Wise Wives is a group for women who want to enhance the quality of their marriages based on Islamic and progressive psychological principles. http://wisewives.org Wed, 03 Apr 2013 14:35:36 +0000 Wed, 03 Apr 2013 14:35:36 +0000 hourly 1 3600 SnapPages.com info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
Dr. Tahseen Shareef introduced the Ayah to us. Please see her video [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/04/03/51-conference-2013-insights Wed, 03 Apr 2013 14:35:36 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/04/03/51-conference-2013-insights
Dr. Tahseen Shareef introduced the Ayah to us. Please see her video here.

Below I will list lessons about the Ayah that you may not have known before from Shaikha Muslema Purmul and MFT Noha Alshugairi.

The Ayah:
"Men are the (quawwamouna) maintainers and protectors of women by virtue of what Allah has privileged one over another and by virtue of the money men spend. Therefore the (assalehat) righteous women are God-fearing and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property). As to those women from whom you fear are (nushuzahuna) recalcitrant, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) (idrabahona) strike them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, do not treat them unjustly. Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great."

1. Hamza Yousef calls this ayah the most problematic Ayah in the Quran.
   
2. “But it's not the Ayah that’s the problem, it is the interpretations by some scholars who interpret its aspects in the wrong way,” said Noha.
   
3. “If you look at the Quran as bits and pieces you are bound to have problems with it, you have to keep in mind that it is one big whole,” she added.
4. She explained that there are two main perspectives of different types of people. One person is a believer, and that person believes in every aspect of the faith (Shariah, Sunnah, Quran…) but admits that some areas are challenging for them. Then there is another type who nitpick at the religion and say, ‘what do you mean Shariah, this is all non sense…this Ayah, and this Hadith they don’t make sense so I won’t follow them.’ These are people who come from a place of doubt and are not believers.
   
5. She invited the room to remember that we must approach this Ayah from the perspective of a believer, it may be challenge for us today, but we must believe in it.
6. “It wasn’t a challenging Ayah, however, during its revelation,” she said.
7. “The ayah is meant for at time when hitting one’s wife was common practice and it came down to stop it,” she added.

Quawwamouna:

1. The word Quawwamouna is derived from the word Qum, meaning to stand. This is implying that men must stand up for their women as their guardians.
2. They are not their controllers or rulers, they cannot act as dictators. They must remain fair, gentle and kind as directed by the Prophet (pbuh).
3. "When you really look at it, what the husband owes his wife is much more than what the wife owes the husband," said Muslema.

Nushuzahuna:

1. Examples of Nushuz include adultery, leaving the house for days without saying where you’re going, etc.
2. It has to be an extreme action and it has to be recurrent.
3. The husband must be harmed by the action.
4. The word “fear” in the Ayah (Takhafona) indicates that the act of Nushuz must be a real occurrence, not a mere suspicion.
5. There must be proof and if the husband is wrong then he gets physical punishment (Ta3seer).

Idrabahona:

1. Even though there are four Hadiths that specifically talk about not hitting your wife, and many more dispelling the whole act of abuse in general, the word Idrabahona (derived from Daraba) (strike) is in this Ayah and we must accept it. But we must understand its context.
2. “Allah does not want harm on his creation…The worst interpretation of this Ayah has come in the modern era. We need to have critical thinking; it is our responsibility as Muslims. If it doesn’t make sense then we look into it further…you don’t have to be a scholar to do research,” Muslema said.
3. Muslema explained that there are guidelines for the action of Daraba and when you explore each one you will find that the whole action becomes obsolete: Cannot be not injurious, must rectify the Nushuz, can’t make the situation worse, not in face, cannot cause animosity, the husband has to have been fulfilling all his obligations as a husband.
4. “How can you strike someone and not cause animosity or make the situation worse…With all these guidelines and restrictions it eliminates the act all together,” she said.
5. The way this Ayah is practiced around the world is challenging because it’s used as a green light to abuse women and it can be a justification for domestic abuse.
6. There are numerous false translations (English, Spanish, Urdu…) of the word Daraba. Instead of strike it might say “beat,” “slap,” “hit…” 
7. Noha explained that Daraba doesn’t give the impression of beat, or slap, or hit, or abuse, or whip.  
8. The best translation of the word Daraba is “strike.” This indicates that the action is done once. Not over and over again.
9. One explanation says that it should be done with a Miswak (lightweight, small wooden stick used to clean one’s teeth). Not with your hand she said, as in to say “only extend your hand (or other body parts) in a positive manner.”
10. Unfortunately she has seen some people go to their Imams (religious directors) and ask how they can implement this Ayah and they tell them that they can hit their wives but not more than 40 times.  These misinterpretations are deadly to Islam.
11. “The idea of abuse goes against the framework of Islam’s view of marriage which is Sakina (peace) and comfort,” she said.

For more on Noha’s view on this Ayah go to this previous blog entry.



]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/04/03/51-conference-2013-insights#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
Before marriage, Shaitan, the devil, does his best to cause two people to commit sin and have a forbidden relationship.  And after marriage, the same two people that Shaitan tried so hard to tempt into sinning are now [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/29/50-keep-the-shaitan-out Fri, 29 Mar 2013 21:10:53 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/29/50-keep-the-shaitan-out
Before marriage, Shaitan, the devil, does his best to cause two people to commit sin and have a forbidden relationship.  And after marriage, the same two people that Shaitan tried so hard to tempt into sinning are now under attack from him again. He wants them split apart! Why? Because once a marriage takes place, the husband and wife are now halal for each other.

And because they are halal for each other, it means that Shaitan has failed in his objective to make people sin. In fact people are rewarded by Allah for getting married. 

This infuriates the Shaitan even further who will now focus his energy in destroying the home that they build so that eventually the husband and wife will split apart and any children will be negatively affected.

The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension between people); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” Shaytaan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” He then embraces him”  (Sahih Muslim and narrated by Jabir Ibn ‘Abdullah).

So what can you do to protect your home and prevent Shaitan from entering it? Here are some tips:

1. Shaytaan is made from fire, so one of the best ways to protect yourself from being affected by him is to make wudu, since the water will put the fire out! In real terms, if you and your spouse are arguing, go and make wudu and inshallah your anger will disappear. The Prophet (pbuh) said: "When one of you gets angry, let him make ablution with water as anger arises out of fire.” In another narration, he said: "Anger comes from the devil and the devil is made of fire."

2. Recite Surah Baqarah over three nights in your home, since Shaytaan will run from a home in which this Surah is recited. If you are busy, you can play a recitation of Surah Baqarah instead, just be sure to complete the surah by day three.

3. Get into the habit of keeping your tongue moist with the remembrance of Allah by making dhikr often.  Shaitan will not whisper to you if you do this.

4. When you feel an argument coming on, recite Aoutho billahi min al-shaytani-r-ragim and Shaitan will go away.  If you fear anger from your spouse, recite Aytul Kursi as much as you can around them under your breath.

Source: www.PureMatrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Site For Practicing Muslims. Love this article?

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Marital discord is extremely common, and even strong, happy marriages have their ups and downs. However, how you deal with these hiccups will go a long way in determining how successful your marriage will be.

One of [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/24/49-how-many-bites-are-on-your-tongue Sun, 24 Mar 2013 13:26:15 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/24/49-how-many-bites-are-on-your-tongue
Marital discord is extremely common, and even strong, happy marriages have their ups and downs. However, how you deal with these hiccups will go a long way in determining how successful your marriage will be.

One of the biggest fitnas in a marriage occurs from the utterance of the tongue. To illustrate just what a powerful weapon the tongue can be, consider this hadith:

Abu Moosaa Al-Ash’aree (RA) said: “I said: ‘O Messenger of Allaah Which of the Muslims is best?’ He (SAWS) said: ‘He whose tongue and hand the Muslims are safe from.”’ [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]

We all know backbiting is forbidden in Islam, but did you know this is also true of speaking ill about your spouse? You might think that by sharing your problems you’re seeking counsel in others. The truth however is that unless you’re specifically seeking help and guidance on a serious matter, you should refrain from speaking ill about your other half.

All marriages have their flares, but it’s always better to sort your problems out yourself. Speaking ill can cause bitterness, anger and resentment in not just your spouse, but also in the hearts of those who you spoke to.

You might have an argument which causes you to vent your feelings to family members. Time will pass and you’ll make amends with your partner...but guess what? Family rarely forget the argument, which can literally be dragged up years later. And when it does, it causes bitterness and resentment in the heart of your spouse.

Here are some tips when you feel like speaking out to others or your spouse:
-Pray to Allah to guide you, rectify your affairs and to help you hold your tongue.
-Go for a walk if you are upset.
-Read a book to cool down.
-Write down how you are feeling and give it to your spouse so they understand how you feel.
-Avoid criticizing your spouse and instead, focus on their behavior.
-Keep your tone impactful but never vengeful  – don’t say ‘I hate you’ or ‘you’re a so and so...’ -Instead say ‘Your behavior has really hurt me, did you mean to hurt my feelings?’
-Remember never to hold the grudge – so as soon as you get the chance, talk about your feelings openly and discuss ways in which you can avoid something similar happening again.
-And the number one golden rule is to always make up and do something nice for the other person. Even if they hurt you first, be the better person and do good by them.

Remember that attaining Jannah through marriage is perfectly possible. As long as you are mindful of each other and keep your secrets within your four walls, Insh’Allah you will be rewarded. There is a saying that a successful marriage is measured by the number of teeth marks on your tongue.

I will leave you with this hadith: “When the Son of Adam wakes from his sleep, all of his body parts seek refuge from his tongue, saying: ‘Fear Allaah with regard to us, for indeed we are part of you. So if you are correct, then we will be correct and if you are corrupted, then we shall be corrupted.” [A hasan hadeeth reported by At-Tirmidhee and others]
 
Source: www.PureMatrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Site For Practicing Muslims. Love this article?

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Or sign up for our regular webinars with guest speakers on marriage related issues here: http://purematrimony.com/webinar
 


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/24/49-how-many-bites-are-on-your-tongue#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi lead us in a discussion about temperaments and their effect [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/12/48-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p3 Tue, 12 Mar 2013 16:24:17 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/12/48-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p3 Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi lead us in a discussion about temperaments and their effect on our relationships. Her talk was titled “Personality Differences: Know yourself, know your spouse.”

In this last entry, I want to outline the many aspects of this ideology that are important to note and take to heart.

- People are pre-dominantly one temperament type, but may be a blend of several. “According to my studies, your temperament does not change, but you can see yourself as a blend while having a predominant temperament,” she says.

- Some may think that men and women fall under certain temperaments but actually gender doesn’t matter. You will find both genders fall under all the categories.

- These temperaments explain natural tendencies…”how God created us,” she says. But our behaviors are definitely affected by our “nurture.” Our upbringing, life style, etc. will affect our behaviors and how we display our personality as well.

We cannot undermine the fact the people’s temperaments might be suppressed or altered due to upbringing. Lets say someone grew up in an abusive home, their personality will be altered by this and therefore a person’s true self might not show because of mental health.

- “We try so hard in our relationships to figure people out, our spouses, our parents, our friends our siblings, and its hard work if you’re just trying to figure them out by your own experience with them, your day to day with them, your history…but you’re missing so much. You’re missing all those years you did not know them, that really shape them. She says it is important to look at a person as a whole, not just in your interactions with them.

Let’s say your spouse for example came from a very low-income family and now here you are dealing with your bills and finances without taking into account their upbringing. Their life before you, their background determines so much. It gives you empathy…context framing for your spouse. Look at your spouse as an individual, not just your own opinion of them.

“Every human being deserves that,” she says. We should be respected for everything that makes us who we are. So when you know someone’s temperament this gives you a broader understanding of who you are dealing with.

- Communication! There are huge differences (along with gender differences) that affect the way we communicate. For example, a male likes to respond in simple statements, black and white, while a female wants to talk about details and emotions. “Now lay on a melancholic or phlegmatic temperament and you have a whole other layer of their personality.”

- “When I advise sisters and brothers to work with their spouse’s temperaments it really helps because suddenly they’re working with their nature, not oppositional to their nature. They understand who they are. And it ends up working in their favor,” she says.

- One attendee commented by saying, but by doing this aren’t we spending a lot of time and energy trying to change who we are in order to give into our spouse's personality? Won't this cause resentment?

Hosai responded by saying that, yes she has had many comments from people saying that this is too much work, and that they feel frustrated that they have to do this.

“But in our tradition we understand marriage to be a compromise, it’s not always easy, sometimes you have to do things that are uncomfortable, but if your objective is to create harmony, to have a balanced home, then you have to look at the bigger picture,” she said.

It’s your Nafs (ego) that brings these thoughts into your head. Thinking that you shouldn’t have to tailor yourself…a me me me attitude. But you should think that you are doing this for the greater harmony of your marriage.

And on top of that, it shouldn’t be a one-way street. This compromise is supposed to be reciprocated! Your husband should be tailoring himself to work with your temperament too. “It’s a mutually beneficial struggle and exchange,” she said.

- You have to realize that you are two different individuals, and respect those differences. This information is made to empower you, to allow you to learn ways to deal with the people in your life in order to get what you desire and maintain peace. “Don’t paint everyone with one brush,” she says.

- You also have to keep in mind that everything you do is for Allah's sake, and you will receive good deeds for every attempt you make at making your marriage better!



]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/12/48-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p3#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi lead us in a discussion about temperaments and their effect on our relationships. Her [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/11/47-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p2 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 15:54:52 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/11/47-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p2 Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi lead us in a discussion about temperaments and their effect on our relationships. Her talk was titled “Personality Differences: Know yourself, know your spouse.”

Moving forward with our discussion, we took a deeper look at these different personalities and talked about how people with these different personalities would react to tense situations, or arguments.

Cholerics:
Their main focus is “I.” They are the managers and CEO’s. They will start something and finish it. Get in their way and you’ll have a problem.  They are full of energy and sometimes restless. They are workaholics…studying, always doing something. Mature, responsible, leaders, but can be viewed as bullies. Their focus is on the future because they are goal oriented.
 
The extroverted Choleric, who is outspoken, fiery, and has no problem with confrontation, will have a quick reaction to an argument. They maybe turn it around on you in a defensive way. Their reaction leaves a long lasting impression and they may hold a grudge, and will be not be forgiving. They are a “burn me once and that’s it” kind of person. You only get one chance with them and they won’t get over it quickly.

Sanguines:
These types are always in their thoughts…always planning for things. They enjoy parties, and party-planning, likes to bring people together. They are daydreamers. They have a “what could be” attitude. They are naïve, social, easily distracted and shallow. Sanguies don’t get a lot of things done, jumping from one project to another. They are present focused.

Sanguines are also quick to  react to tension. They might give you some lip but will not hold a grudge. Two minutes later its “ok what do you want for dinner honey.” They don’t like or want tension. But they don’t hold back saying what they feel.

Phlegmatics:
Plegmatics are wise people. They have an “old soul,” reserved, don’t say much but when they say something it’s profound. They are not forthcoming. They are deep and have good long lasting relationships. However they can be viewed as lazy, stubborn, and are slow to start something. They are also present focused.

In an argument, these people have a slow response. They might email you two or three days later. They will say “you really hurt me but I forgive you and I love you.” It takes them a while to confront the situation because they like to think things over, they like to analyze a little bit.

Melancholics:
These are pragmatic, black and white, number oriented, scientific, proof oriented people. They like to challenge the status quo. They are the “wounded healer,” sympathetic, and don’t trust easily. They are stuck in the past.

People with this temperament will let you know that something bothered them like one year later.  The other person might not have even remember the argument anymore. They have a hard time confronting anything negative. They hold it in and in and in. They might never even complain about it. They have a lasting impression, it will always be in their heart, but won’t bring it out.

Example of how to interact with a temperament different than your own:
Hosai gave us an example that she dealt with in a couple she counseled:

When dealing with a choleric husband a wife might not want to bring up problems and issues because the husband might "blow up," and argue in a fiery manner. The wife might be apprehensive to bring an important but tense issue that needs addressing because she doesn’t want to deal with his quick and intense response.

Hosai says, "don’t label him as aggressive or angry, because its not fair. It's just his nature. Not abusive of course, we are just talking about how he communicates. It is wise to keep this characteristic of his nature in mind and adapt to it...afterall,  this is how Allah created him.”

So “go around his temperament,” she said. Find another way to deal with the situation. Instead of bringing up a conversation that might spark this kind of response…send an email instead. Or make a nice lunch and put a note in his briefcase…”  Let him process your request while he is alone. “Be smart and tactical...don’t be present for the reaction.”

Stay tuned for part 3 where I will wrap up our discussion.



]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/11/47-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p2#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi lead us in a discussion about temperaments and their [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/07/46-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p1 Thu, 07 Mar 2013 20:07:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/07/46-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p1 Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi lead us in a discussion about temperaments and their effect on our relationships. Her talk was titled “Personality Differences: Know yourself, know your spouse.”

She started by talking to us about the history of the idea of temperaments. It was created by Hippocrates in 450 BC. He determined that people’s behaviors were related to the presence of four humors, or liquids, in the body.

From Hippocrates onward, the humoral theory was adopted by Greek, Roman and Islamic physicians, and became the most commonly held view of the human body among European physicians until the advent of modern medical research in the nineteenth century. The famous Muslim scientist, Ibn Sina also further developed this theory.

The four humors are: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood and each corresponds to one of the traditional four temperaments: melancholic, choleric, phlegmatic and sanguine.

This theory was closely related to the theory of the four elements: earth, fire, water and air; earth predominantly present in the black bile, fire in the yellow bile, water in the phlegm, and all four elements present in the blood.

Hosai says that, “it is your reaction to stimulus and the duration of the impression that determine your temperament. Its not ones actions, it is your reactions…you look at how a person reacts to an emergency or when you receive pleasant news etc.”

Wikipedia explains these four temperaments as the follows:

Sanguine
The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and romantic. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. They generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence. Sanguine people are warm-hearted, pleasant, lively and optimistic.

Choleric
The choleric temperament is fundamentally ambitious and leader-like. They have a lot of aggression, energy, and/or passion, and try to instill that in others. They are task oriented people and are focused on getting a job done efficiently; their motto is usually "do it now." They can dominate people of other temperaments with their strong wills, especially phlegmatic types, and can become dictatorial or tyrannical. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. They like to be in charge of everything and are good at planning, as they often can immediately see a practical solution to a problem. However, they can quickly fall into deep depression or moodiness when failures or setbacks befall them.
 
Melancholic
The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and is given to thought. Melancholic people often are perceived as very (or overly) pondering and are both considerate and very cautious. They are organized and schedule oriented, often planning extensively. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry, art, and invention - and are sensitive to others. Because of this sensitivity and their thoughtfulness they can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world and are susceptible to depression and moodiness. Often they are perfectionists. Their desire for perfection often results in a high degree of personal excellence but also causes them to be highly conscientious and difficult to relate to because others often cannot please them. They are self-reliant and independent, preferring to do things themselves in order to meet their standards. One negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of other issues. Their caution enables them to prevent problems that the more impulsive sanguine runs into, but can also cause them to procrastinate and remain in the planning stage of a project for very long periods. Melancholics prefer to avoid much attention and prefer to remain in the background; they do, however, desire recognition for their many works of creativity.

Phlegmatic
The phlegmatic temperament is fundamentally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish. Phlegmatics tend to be content with themselves and are kind. Phlegmatics are consistent, they can be relied upon to be steady and faithful friends. They are accepting and affectionate, making friends easily. They tend to be good diplomats because their tendency not to judge and affable nature makes reconciling differing groups easy for them. Phlegmatics prefer to observe and to think on the world around them while not getting involved. They may try to inspire others to do the things which they themselves think about doing. They may be shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. Their fear of change (and of work) can make them susceptible to stagnation or laziness, or even stubbornness. They are consistent, relaxed, calm, rational, curious, and observant, qualities that make them good administrators. They can also be passive-aggressive.
 
There is a predominance in each of us that but you could be a blend of these four temperaments.

Take this test with your spouse to determine which one you are:
http://personality-testing.info/tests/4T.php

Stay tuned for part 2 while we delve deeper into these temperaments.




]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/03/07/46-temperaments-know-yourself-know-your-spouse-p1#comments 0 PureMatrimony.com PureMatrimony.com PureMatrimony.com has provided Wise Wives with this resourceful and basic synopsis of the rights and responsibilities of both husband and wife under Islam. Look out for more entries provided by them in the future inshallah.

The [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/02/13/45-rights-responsibilities-synopsis Wed, 13 Feb 2013 23:24:45 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/02/13/45-rights-responsibilities-synopsis PureMatrimony.com has provided Wise Wives with this resourceful and basic synopsis of the rights and responsibilities of both husband and wife under Islam. Look out for more entries provided by them in the future inshallah.

The rights of a wife:
           
The rights and responsibilities of women as wives in Islam are numerous, and if followed properly inshallah, they help avoid conflict in the home. The wife has many rights, some of which are mentioned below:

1. To be treated with kindness: Allah says, “… and consort with them in kindness.” (An-Nisa’: 19)
2. To be looked after, provided for and maintained with honor and dignity: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said in his khutbah during the Farewell Pilgrimage: “Their (women’s) rights over you are that you should provide for them and clothe them in a reasonable manner.”
3. Men should maintain their women in accordance to their means and provide women with:

• Food
• Shelter
• Clothing

General care Allah dislikes extravagance and miserliness, so women should consider their husband’s means and not ask for things in excess of their need, nor should they be denied things out of miserliness.

To maintain a wife with honor and dignity means:

• Being treated kindly and justly.
• Being respectful of her and not degrading or humiliating her for asking for her rights.
• Never harming her physically, mentally and emotionally.
• Giving the wife the right of divorce if the husband does not love her.

The responsibilities of a wife:

1. Not allowing people into the home which the husband doesn’t approve of.
2. Taking care of her husband’s belongings and her marital home.
3. Not withholding the right to have children from him.
4. To beautify herself for her husband and to give him her full attention when he asks of it.
5. Being respectful to her husband at all times and not challenging him or being disobedient.

Women are known as the heart of the home, and should be treated as such. A good wife will ensure that she meets her husband’s expectations and looks after him so that he may inshallah return the love and have mercy upon her. Similarly, a good husband will ensure that he fulfills the rights of his wife without causing her any kind of injustice or emotional harm.

In the end, remember that Allah has made your husband the Ameer, "King," of the home, so honor this and be true to your responsibilities with patience and sincerity and inshallah you will be rewarded many times over by Allah.
 
The rights of a husband:

1. To be respected by his wife and treated with dignity and honor.
2. A husband has the right to intimacy with his wife when he wants – no matter how busy she is.
3. The husband has the right not to have people he dislikes in his home and his wife should honor this in case it causes anger or resentment in his heart.
4. The husband has the right to have his possessions protected and entrusted by his wife.

The responsibilities of a husband:

Men are placed as protection for their families and Allah has likened them to shepherd:
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Every one of you is a guardian and every one of you is responsible (for those under your ward). A ruler is a guardian and is responsible (for his subjects); a man is a guardian of his family and responsible (for them); a wife is a guardian of her husband's house and she is responsible (for it), a slave is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible (for that). Beware! All of you are guardians and are responsible (for those your wards)."  Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith.

1. Maintaining his family by providing for his wife and children without being harsh or humiliating.
2. To protect his wife with ‘jealousy’ so that other men do not look at her.
3. To give his family their own living quarters away from his own family so they can live in peace without any problems.
4. To provide everything his children need without placing this burden on the mother.
5. To treat his family with the utmost kindness and not to harm his wife.
6. Treat his wife with kindness as Allah says: “They (wives) are your garments and you are their garments.” (2:187)

A husband has many rights and responsibilities to his wife and family, and a good husband will ensure that he fulfills his obligations while a good wife will fulfill hers.

In such marriages, Allah places much goodness so that a husband and wife can live in peace and harmony inshallah.
 
Source: www.PureMatrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Site for Practicing Muslims. Love this article? Discover even more on this topic by registering for their free webinar entitled: The Heart of the Home – The Rights and Responsibilities of the Wife by clicking here.
 


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/02/13/45-rights-responsibilities-synopsis#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
"Marriage is a school where you get the certificate before you start.

A school where you will never graduate.

A school without a break or a free period.

A school where no one is allowed to drop out.

A school which you will have to attend every day of [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/01/22/44-marriage-is-a-school-poem Tue, 22 Jan 2013 13:30:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/01/22/44-marriage-is-a-school-poem
"Marriage is a school where you get the certificate before you start.

A school where you will never graduate.

A school without a break or a free period.

A school where no one is allowed to drop out.

A school which you will have to attend every day of your life.

A school where there is no sick leave or holidays.

A school founded by the Almighty:
1.On the foundation of love,
2.The walls made of trust,
3.The door made of acceptance,
4.The windows made of understanding.
5.The furniture made of blessings.
6.The roof made of faith.

Before you forget, you are just a student not the principal. The Almighty is the principal.

Even at times of a storm, don't be unwise and run outside.

Remember this school is the safest place to be.

Never go to sleep before completing your assignments for the day.

Never forget the C-word, communicate, communicate, communicate with your classmate and with the Principal.

If you find something in your classmate (spouse) that you do not appreciate, remember your classmate is also just a student not a graduate. The Almighty is not finished with him/her yet, so take it as a challenge and work on it together.

Do not forget to study, study, study the Noble Book (the main textbook in this school).

Start each day with a sacred assembly and end it the same way.

Sometimes you will feel like not attending class, yet you have to.

When tempted to quit find the courage and continue.

Some tests and exams may be tough but remember the Principal knows how much you can bear.

Still, it is one of the best schools on earth; joy, peace and happiness accompany each lesson of the day.

Different subjects are offered in this school, yet love is the major subject.

After all the years of being theoretical about it, now you have a chance to practice it.

To be loved is a good thing, but to love is the greatest privilege of them all.

Marriage is a place of love, so love your spouse but remember: "This class doesn't involve a person who is not permitted into it"! If you invite your mother or father or your friends to this class, or anyone who is not allowed to be there, you will fail the exam.

It is you who should attend and it is you who will pass.

Its your choice today:" build it or break it."


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2013/01/22/44-marriage-is-a-school-poem#comments 2 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

To [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/07/43-obedience-part-5-wrap-up Wed, 07 Nov 2012 00:21:54 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/07/43-obedience-part-5-wrap-up Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

To conclude this series I want to wrap up by covering a few more hadiths and outlining the lessons we can take away from this lecture as a whole.
 
The Prophet (pbuh) said: “No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this were permitted I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over them.”
 
He also said, “If a woman prays her five, fasts her Ramadan, protects her chastity and obeys her husband, she is told to enter paradise from whichever door she wished.”
 
He also said, “Any woman who dies and her husband is pleased with her enters paradise.”
 
One question that came up during the lecture was concerning the one about prostration. She threw the question back at us and asked what we thought it meant. One woman replied saying that she understands it as an idea that is not meant to be taken literal. It is meant to emphasize the importance of respect towards your husband.
 
The "prostration" is out of esteem not out of worship.
 
Noha remarked that this explanation is right. In general, these ayahs and hadiths are meant to give a framework and the relevance of each one will differ from time to time and from place to place and even from home to home.
 
“None of these hadiths mean that you do not have a voice,” she said. You have the right to voice your opinion in all areas. 

But in particular things "you voice your opinion and leave it to him to make the decision," she said. As the second hadith above says, a woman who obeys her husband will enter paradise from whichever door she wishes. 
 
Noha says that in the urf of marriage today this idea may have little precedence, but what we must do is really concentrate on the areas below because of the ayahs and hadiths that give us specific and direct instructions (that we talked about in the preceding entries).
 
We must listen to our husbands when it comes to:

• Money: not spending money without his permission; taking care of his property in his absence.
  
• Intimacy: responding to his calls for intimacy.
  
• Leaving the home: tell him before leaving your home/going out.
  

One woman remarked, “ If only the word ‘obey’ can be kept as ‘listen to’ everything would sound so much better.” The whole room giggled and agreed.
 
The ladies were happy to have received such an enlightening take on this issue that boiled the issue down to what is relevant in their lives today.


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/07/43-obedience-part-5-wrap-up#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

Another [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/05/42-obedience-part-4-upholding-duties Mon, 05 Nov 2012 21:42:25 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/05/42-obedience-part-4-upholding-duties Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

Another hadith outlining a wife’s obligation to her husband is:

"Narrated in Al-Tabarrani that a woman from the tribe of Khath’am came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said: 'O Prophet of Allah tell what is the right of a husband on his wife. For I am an unmarried woman and if I can satisfy it, I would remain unmarried. He said: The right of the husband on his wife is that if he were to seek intimacy with her, she would not refuse him no matter what she is doing. And from his right on her that she does not fast the nafl (non-obligatory) fasting except with his permission. For if she were to fast without his permission, she would be hungry and thirsty and it would not be accepted from her. And she would not leave her house except with his permission. For if she were to do that she would be cursed by the angels of the sky and the angels of mercy, and the angels of punishment till she gets back. And she would not give in charity from his money except with his permission. The woman replied: I will never get married."
 
Why do you think the women replied with that, she asked us. Because she is worried about her obligations to her husband. She is afraid that if she cannot accomplish these things she will disappoint Allah.
 
When you boil it down there are several lessons to take from this hadith.
 
Intimacy:
“The importance of responding to his call for intimacy,” is one of them she said. It doesn't mean that you cannot tell him that you don't want to at that particular moment. You can voice your opinion with him.” This is for the women who just say no no no all the time without a discussion. Or women who are consistently refusing,” she said. The point is to come to an agreement where neither is upset. In fact in this area of marriage, the women also has the same right, the man must satisfy the needs of his wife as well.
 
Another hadith related to this topic says, “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and he goes to bed angry, the angels supplicate against her.”
 
In fact, why do you think a wife shouldn’t fast a voluntary fast without telling her husband first? Simply so that a man doesn’t plan to seek intimacy with his wife one day only to find that she is fasting and unable to.
 
Leaving the house:
This hadith also mentions the topic of leaving the house. She says, this is very important as well. Tell your husband where you are going.  Each husband is different and will require a different level of detail.

If he wants to know that you are going from home to work to the store to the dry cleaners then tell him. If he’s the type that just wants to know that your running errands after work then tell him that. Just develop a system where your whereabouts are known to each other and that satisfies the both of you. This is so that he can uphold his promise to Allah to be your protector and maintainer, not for control.
 
Money:
And finally, the hadith mentions money again saying not to spend his money without permission, even if you are giving charity. Even charity, she repeated. The reason for this is simply that a man might work hard for each dollar he earns, therefore he wants to know were it's going. He might like to budget everything.

Sit with each other, budget with each other, figure out what works best for your family and there shouldn’t be any problems. Again this is in order to fulfill his duty of being a maintainer and protector, not for control.
 
She ended this portion by sharing a personal story on this topic. She told us, “When I learned this hadith I went to my husband and told him, I am supposed to ask you every time I want to give charity from our money.” She said, he looked at her in confusion and laughed. “No of course don’t ask me every time, give all the charity you want,” he told her.
 
So again, develop a system that works for you and your husband. Each person will have their own preferences when it comes to these particular issues.
 
Our next and last entry will cover a few more hadiths and will conclude the lessons from her lecture.


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/05/42-obedience-part-4-upholding-duties#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

Ayah 4:34. This [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/05/41-obedience-part-3-ayah-434 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 00:18:12 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/05/41-obedience-part-3-ayah-434 Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

Ayah 4:34. This is an ayah that has sparked a lot of problematic debate, even among scholars, she said.

"Men are the (quawwamouna) maintainers and protectors of women by virtue of what Allah has privileged one over another and by virtue of the money men spend. Therefore the (assalehat) righteous women are God-fearing and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property). As to those women who are (nushuzahuna) recalcitrant, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) strike them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, do not treat them unjustly. Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.”

Different privileges:
The first thing she explained to us was the statement "by virtue of what Allah has privileged one over another." “Allah did not say men over women,” she said. “It is not specifying which is meant. The wording is general in order to mean that both genders are privileged with things that the other does not have"…In other words men and women were created to be different, but equal.
 
She asked us what we thought men were privileged with over women.
 
One woman responded with physical strength. Jokingly Noha gave us a simple example from her personal life. The other day she was installing blinds in her home. She was drilling and putting the screws in until she reached a point where she was physically depleted and couldn't go on.  Even her daughter started to help but she gave up as well. So she said to her daughter, "now it’s time for us to actually stop doing this and wait for your father to come home...he's just going to go tick tick and he'll be done.”
 
Women on the other hand were created with more patience, the ability to bear children and be nurturing, etc. These are just a few examples of how men and women were created differently, but you get the idea.
 
One women commented by saying, "It’s like puzzle pieces, what I have more of my husband might be lacking in and what he has more of I might be lacking in. And together the picture is complete."
 
So because Allah created us in different ways, we must fulfill different duties.The husband, for example, is commanded by Allah to provide the financial maintenance for his family.
 
While cooking and cleaning are not Islamicaly obligatory on a wife, financially providing and protecting one’s family is “100% obligatory on the husband,” she said. There is no debate about that she says.
 
So the question of, ok well who is going to do the household work then if the husband has to go out and work to provide for his family? That is why the custom of the women staying home and doing those things came from.
 
One woman even commented with "so wouldn't you want to do that for your family and for your husband, especially since he is doing so much for you…and taking care of you..."
 
“Exactly,” said Noha.
 
Many households live like this while some have taken on the trend or urf of hiring nannies, housekeepers, both partners helping at home, both spouses working, etc. In the end it is up to each household to decide what is best for them...as long as they are still following Islam.
 
So if we are not obligated to cook, clean, etc., (if we do these things we gain good deeds for them) then what are we obligated to do?

Assalehat:
She explains this by continuing within this ayah. The next part says, “therefore the (assalehat) righteous women, are God-fearing and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property).”
 
The right interpretation of this part starts with the meaning of the word assalehat. This means women who are obedient to Allah. Obedient to Allah, she repeated! So many interpretations take this to mean obedience to the husband, but in this ayah that is not what is meant.
 
So there are two types of women. One type is women who are God-fearing and in the absence of her husband protects what Allah ordains her to protect (her chastity, not to have an affair with another man, and his money, not to spend his money without his permission or be wasteful with it). So by doing these things for your husband you are obeying Allah.  These are the obligations set forth on a wife in this ayah.
 
And there are women who are the opposite.

Nushuzahuna:
The next part of the ayah says, "as to those women who are (nushuzahuna) recalcitrant, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) strike them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, do not treat them unjustly.”
 
Nushuz, or recalcitrant, has a very strong meaning and isn’t thrown around to just anyone. It means someone who is stubbornly disobedient, “we’re talking about someone who's manner and conduct is consistently disobedient and rebellious ... defiant.” It is someone who commits extreme sin, such as adultery. Allah tells us to handle someone like this in the three steps described above.
 
Now, lets talk about the word "strike" or in Arabic daraba. “There are some current translations of this word that say this means to strike figuratively, a mental daraba. But I don't agree with that,” she says. “It is very clear. Daraba is physical. It is in the Quran and we have to accept it.”
 
There is something very important to understand here that will change your entire view on this ayah. "Look at this ayah as a form of anger management," said Noha. This ayah came down during a time when the urf of striking your wife was common practice. This was not unusual, and it was not really even acknowledged.
 
So the ayah came down and told men that you cannot hit your wives:
a) right away/as a first reaction
b) in the face
c) harshly/makes a mark
d) unless you have accomplished the first two steps in the ayah first
e) and unless she committed nushuz
 
"You cannot hit your wife because she did not put enough salt in the food or because she didn't greet you with open arms when you came home,” she said. “Only nushuz!"
 
Again nushuz is an act equivalent to the wife having an affair. Which takes us to the next hadith on her list. As explained in the following hadith: “Fear Allah in your dealings of women. For you have taken them by a word of Allah. And you have been permitted to be intimate with them with a word of Allah. And you have the right that they don’t allow anyone in your bed. And if they do that you may strike them gently. And they have a right that you feed and clothe them with what is reasonable.”
 
So now instead of the default being to immediately hit your wife, a man must first consider whether what she did was nushuz, then shun them, then not share the same bed with them.
 
Megan Wyatt, who was also in the audience, says that when she presents this topic, she calls it "the Ayah that ended Domestic Violence." She gives the analogy of, if a man walks in on his wife with another man in bed, any man would want to react in violence (and many many do).  But Islam doesn't allow that. Islam wants us to take the three steps. She says if it gets to the last step, then it is needed for that woman to “wake up.” It is like when you are young and if your parents spank you, then that was the end of the rope… the child wouldn't repeat the behavior after that.
 
So once again, this ayah was sent down during the urf of a time when hitting one’s wife was common practice. And it came down to stop it.  Noha said that she honestly never thought of this ayah as a "problem." She explained that again, this was brought down during a time that this was relevant.

“This is not an ayah inviting domestic violence, I understood it from the beginning that it is an ayah that is describing a specific situation for a certain time,” she concluded with.
 
Stay tuned for the next entry that will discuss more hadiths and outline some basic obligations on a wife.



]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/05/41-obedience-part-3-ayah-434#comments 2 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

To set [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/01/40-obedience-part-2-setting-the-stage Thu, 01 Nov 2012 21:31:26 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/01/40-obedience-part-2-setting-the-stage Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.

To set the stage for our discussion, Noha started by explaining a very important concept that all Muslims should keep in mind when discussing any religious obligation.
 
Urf:
This concept is called urf.  It is the Arabic word for social/cultural norms. In Islam, she says, “urf is taken very seriously as long as it doesn’t go against our religion.”
 
For example, hijab (proper Islamic dress) is obligated on women. The urf of hijab are determined by where and when you live. From the time of the Prophet (pbuh), hijab has been worn differently from time to time and from place to place.
 
Urf describe the dynamic changes of things around us and the concept of marriage is also impacted by it. We live in the West in 2012. We must look at the social norms here and accommodate them, but based on the Quran and sunnah. “We can never make things up or go against what our religion tells us to do. The religion is supreme," she said.
 
She asked us what we thought our social norms say about the relationship between husband and wife. One woman responded by saying that there is a strong focus on equality of roles where usually both partners are working and both partners help out in the home.  Versus in the past where a relationship might have been based on "equity" where the wife looks after the home and kids and the husband works outside of the home as the sole breadwinner.
 
This is very true although you will find a wide range of living situations across the world. “There is no limitation on these roles. Islam does not say that the woman should not work outside the home, and Islam does not say that the husband should not help inside the home,” Noha said. On the contrary, the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) tells us that he used to mend his own clothes and help with household chores. And he married a woman named Khadija who was one the biggest businesswomen during their time.
 
In the end, couples may choose to live in any way that they want when it comes to housework, career, etc. as long as they are happy and satisfied with their roles and as long as they are upholding their religious values.
 
"Ultimately what you decide you are going to do as a wife and what your husband is going to do is going to be up to your agreements, up to your discussion, up to your urf and your understanding of what your roles are,” she said. Later in this series, you will see how urf affects many aspects of the specific issue of obedience.

Ayah 30:21:
In the end marriage is meant to be a beneficial part of life, so much that its positive light is even mentioned in the Quran in ayah 30:21.
 
So let’s delve right into this first ayah on her list. Ayah 30:21 says, “And among His Signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may come to for Sakina. And He put amongst you mawada and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for people who reflect.”
 
Even though we have not talked about the specific topic of obedience yet, she said that we must discuss this ayah when we talk about anything to do with marriage.
 
She explained this ayah to us by defining the Arabic words sakina and mawada. The word sakina means inner peace, tranquility, serenity…it is the goal of any relationship. To generate sakina, each spouse must have mawada and mercy. Mawada is a word describing a certain level of love. “A higher form of love,” she said. “It means the type of love that motivates you to act on it.”
 
Allah's goal is to make every marriage have sakina, therefore He put down guidelines, a framework, that must be followed in order to maintain it, it does not just happen automatically.
 
This framework includes guidelines that should be followed before, during, (or even after marriage if a divorce were to occur) in order for sakina to exist and to have a good marriage in the sight of Allah.
 
For example, before marriage a person should: pray istikhara (a prayer for making decisions), get to know their future spouse in a halal way (not going against any religious values), choose a pious husband with a good character. This isn’t the full list but you get the idea.
 
She dwelled on the element of choosing someone with a good character for a while saying that you should never just focus on just his religiosity, you must take his character and personality into account. You must "click" with the person and like his personality. It’s not enough to just see someone's outward actions of religiosity like praying and fasting. You must get to know his character in order to distinguish between a suitable spouse and a non-suitable one.
 
During marriage each spouse must follow certain rules and guidelines as well. She asked us what we thought these include, some responded saying: having respect, caring for one another, being honest, being trusting…etc.
 
She agreed with all these and added that in order to delve more into the guidelines of marriage set by Allah we must study more ayahs and hadiths.

Stay tuned for the next entry that will go into detail about one of the most controversial ayahs in the Quran: 4:34.


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/11/01/40-obedience-part-2-setting-the-stage#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/31/39-obedience-part-1-ayahs-hadiths Wed, 31 Oct 2012 19:03:19 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/31/39-obedience-part-1-ayahs-hadiths Noha Alshugairi, M.S. Marriage and Family Therapist, speak to us about the controversial and delicate matter of a wife's obedience to her husband.
 
She started the talk by remarking that she was happy to tackle such an important and delicate issue (that no one wants to talk about) because she her self had once struggled with it.
 
"We should talk about these issues openly, and not pretend that they are not there,” she said.
 
Making the whole room laugh, one women remarked, "When my husband knew the topic of the lecture I was going to tonight, he said, excitedly, oh ok please come home and tell me all about it."
 
Noha decided that the best way to start would be to ask us what questions we had on the topic so she can be sure to cover all our concerns.
 
Some questions/concerns included:

• What are Islam’s views on this? We are often taught many things and this one seems like it is from a man's view. So what exactly does Islam teach us about this?
• How to be an obedient wife and what exactly that means.
• Does a man have to obey his wife at any level?
• Does a wife have to ask permission from her husband to spend money? Is it a one-way street or should the husband ask his wife as well?
• What is the Islamic punishment for disobedience?
• Is there a requirement to be obedient to his family?
• Is it true that if your husband asks you to do something, you should just drop what you’re doing and do it?

To address these and other issues she handed out a list of the ayahs (Quranic verses) and hadiths (Prophetic traditions) concerning this topic and went through each one thoroughly.
 
She used these as a base for understanding the limits of obedience, what it means, and when you are considered to be disobedient.
 
What I want to focus on for this first blog entry in this series is how important it is to know that many interpretations of ayahs and hadiths concerning this topic or about women in Islam in general must be dispelled because there are many common misconceptions. 

She spent a great deal of the lecture telling us about this saying that, “there are many scholars in the Arab world that interpret ayahs and hadiths from a man’s point of view. Some have even bluntly said “men are better than women because they have the intelligence that women don’t.”  
 
She said, “That is not written in the Quran! That is an interpretation…an added layer to what the Quran is saying. This is where we need to be careful and unfortunately it is a tough battle.
 
It is very difficult to go back and assess everything that has been written about women in Islam and to decipher what is wrong and what is right and what can be seen in a different light.

“I remember the first time when I got an inclining of all this was when I was attending an mpac convention,” she said. They were talking about this topic and how there are many misrepresentations about women in Islam and the speaker mentioned an example in Tafsir Ibn Kathir. He talks about the Arabic word Assufahhaa, meaning someone who doesn’t have sound or intellectual faculties, and the speaker was saying that Ibn Kathir wrote that this word means women.
 
I’m sitting there and thinking there’s no way this can be true…how can such a great, reliable source like Ibn Kathir give such a wrong explanation. So I went back home and checked it and the speaker was right. This translation by Ibn Kathir existed!”
 
She couldn’t believe that such things that demean women were out there and we can't believe everything that we read. She said it is up to us to go back and find the true meanings of the Quran.

In our next entry, we will begin to explore the true meanings of some of the ayahs and hadiths that deal with this topic.  But first take a quick look at the list we discussed:

1. “And among His Signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may come to for Sakina. And He put amongst you mawada and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for people who reflect.” 30:21
   
2. “Men are the (quawwamouna) maintainers and protectors of women by virtue of what Allah has privileged one over another and by virtue of the money men spend. Therefore the (assalehat) righteous women are God-fearing and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property). As to those women who are (nushuzahuna) recalcitrant , admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) strike them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, do not treat them unjustly. Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” 4:34
3. Narrated Muslim: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said in the khitbah of the last pilgrimage: Fear Allah in your dealings of women. For you have taken them by a word of Allah. And you have been permitted to be intimate with them with a word of Allah. And you have the right that they don’t allow anyone in your bed. And if they do that you may strike them gently. And they have a right that you feed and clothe them with what is reasonable.
4. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “I detest when someone would discipline his wife harshly and then seek intimacy with her.”
5. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “...and the best amongst you will not strike others.”
6. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “The most perfect of believers in faith are those with the most excellent character. And the best of you are the best of you to your women.”
7. “If a wife fears ill treatment or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best.” 4:128
8. Narrated in Al-Tabarrani that a woman from the tribe of Khath’am came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said: O Prophet of Allah tell what is the right of a husband on his wife. For I am an unmarried woman and if I can satisfy it or else I would remain unmarried. He said: The right of the husband on his wife is that if he were to seek intimacy with her, she would not refuse him no matter what she is doing. And from his right on her that she does not fast the nafl (non-obligatory) fasting except with his permission. For if she were to fast without his permission, she would be hungry and thirsty and it would not be accepted from her. And she would not leave her house except with his permission. For if she were to do that she would be cursed by the angels of the sky and the angels of mercy, and the angels of punishment till she get back. She would not give in charity from his money except with his permission for if she did he gains the reward and she bears the burden. The woman replied: I will never get married.”
9. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,“If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and he goes to bed angry, the angels supplicate against her.”
10. Muaawiyah Al Qushairy narrated that he asked the Prophet: What is the right of a wife on one of us? He said: “You feed her if you eat, you clothe her if you are clothed, you don’t strike the face, you don’t criticize, and you don’t isolate from her except inside the house.”
11. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,“If a woman prays her five, fasts her Ramadan, protects her chastity and obeyed her husband, she is told enter paradise from which door you wished.”
12. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Any woman who dies and her husband is pleased with her, enters paradise.”
    
13. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this were permitted I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over them.”
    
    

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/31/39-obedience-part-1-ayahs-hadiths#comments 1 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Just came across this list and thought it was a great reminder about the character of our Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him).

We often get swept up in the routine of life that we take our marriages for granted. Luckily Allah has given us a perfect portrait in the Prophet (pbuh) to help break that routine. Here are five practical, [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/13/38-love-like-the-prophet-pbuh Sat, 13 Oct 2012 07:50:33 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/13/38-love-like-the-prophet-pbuh Just came across this list and thought it was a great reminder about the character of our Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him).

We often get swept up in the routine of life that we take our marriages for granted. Luckily Allah has given us a perfect portrait in the Prophet (pbuh) to help break that routine. Here are five practical, yet powerful, lessons to help rekindle our relationships.


1. Smile often. He used to smile so much that his companions would say they never saw anyone smile more than him (1). It's easy to forget how powerful a simple smile can be. We all have long and strenuous days. Instead of bombarding your spouse with complaints on first sight, engage them with a smiling face. A simple smile is even an act of charity (2).

2. Say sweet somethings. He would say “Whomever believes in Allah and the day of Judgment let them have positive speech, or keep quiet" (3). It’s very easy to nitpick at our spouses. We are around each other all the time. But instead of searching for faults, point out their qualities. Try making it a new daily habit of complimenting your spouse.

3. Don’t get angry. When the Prophet's companion Ali married Fatimah, the Prophet (pbuh) gave him amazing words of advice. Advice so important that he repeated it three times. “Don’t get Angry," he said (4). He didn't tell him to control his anger, but rather don't get angry in the first place. We get angry at our spouses for the silliest things, from how they squeeze the toothpaste bottle to how they wash the dishes. Chill out.

4. Go out together. He would spend quality time with his spouse all the time. He didn't live a separate life under the same roof. He would go on walks with his wife, travel with his wife, and seek her advice. He would engage in stimulating conversation. When was the last time you took your spouse out for a nice dinner or went out for a cup of coffee?

5. Say "I Love You." He was not afraid to profess his love. Our religion is built on it as Allah states, “My love is guaranteed for two who love one another for My sake” (5). He would often speak of the great affection he had for his wife Khadija. ”Her love was given to me as Rizq" he was quoted as saying (6). Many of us are probably unable to recall the last time we said it to our spouse. That’s not prophetic.

1. [Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 3574]
2. [Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1879]
3. [Al-Bukhari 11:308; Muslim, 2:18]
4. [Bukhari]
5. [Ahmad, 4:236]
6. [Al Bukhari, 45: 6431]


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/13/38-love-like-the-prophet-pbuh#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Last week, Wise Wives Club Chino Hills discussed this article at their meeting. It sparked an interesting discussion.

Here is the article titled: http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/03/37-ten-tips-from-the-washington-post Wed, 03 Oct 2012 00:16:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/03/37-ten-tips-from-the-washington-post Last week, Wise Wives Club Chino Hills discussed this article at their meeting. It sparked an interesting discussion.

Here is the article titled: "Top 10 Tips for Marital Bliss" from the Washington Post by Leslie Morgan Steiner.

1. Be nice. This is stupidly simple, but it works. Even when you feel like hell, or have a beef with each other, or are tense or tired, make the effort to be kind and gentle with each other. Make the partnership a safe harbor where the other person wants to be. This means taking a breath, biting your tongue and going easy even when that's not exactly how you feel.

2. Find common ground on your most important issues. Doing things together, even as simple as preparing pizza together or gardening together is a great way to show each other that you are there, you are present & your presence gets acknowledged by just merely being there. We do tons of activities with our children, for our children, what do we do for each other?

3.Whomever feels most passionately about a position wins that argument. It is rare that, upon candid reflection, you can't unanimously agree that one or the other simply cares more (or as is more likely the case, one cares less). You are going to have different opinions on many different subjects. Winning an argument doesn't mean the other loses. It just means one cared more about that particular issue.

4. Nurturing your marriage is more important than kids -- in part because staying together is so important for your kids. So, make time for each other. Have a regular date night without kids. Intimacy and affection and time alone together are a top priority. Make dates to cuddle up, let other things slide sometimes, do whatever you have to do. Just don't let it get pushed off the table by everything else that is "important."

5. Stay flexible, in every sense of the word. That means finding a compromise between his need to watch the game and your need get the house clean. It means finding ways to discipline the kids that both of you can live with. It means staying open minded to new ideas in intimacy. It means communicating, it means nothing is set in stone, other than your core values, which you should discuss and share before you ever get married.

6. Treat the logistics of raising a family and running a household like a small business. Once a week have a calendar meeting. Go over the schedule of the upcoming week or weeks, and talk through what you both and the kids have going on. Make lists about what has to happen to help the week go smoothly and who has which carpool, cooking responsibilities, etc.

7. Have a sense of humor -- some arguments can and should end in laughter.

8. Don't crowd too much into your lives. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity.

9. When you get home at night, or when your honey calls in the middle of the day, stop, take a breath, smile, and say "Hello, sweetheart. How are you?" before launching into whatever daily business or complaints you have. Start every interchange on a basis of affection and kindness.

10. Accept that you can't change your spouse, especially by yelling or screaming or playing passive-aggressive. However, this doesn't mean letting small resentments simmer. Deal with them before they become big deals. If your spouse does anything that upsets you, talk about it. If he or she can understand why you are upset, and you can understand why your partner does what he/she does, both parties stand a chance of finding that happy medium..

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/10/03/37-ten-tips-from-the-washington-post#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org On June 25th, 2012 we were lucky to have three wonderful “older and wiser” women speak to us in a panel discussion about what has made their marriages last for over 25 years. These hand-picked, Islamicaly educated, bright women led an eye-opening talk by giving us a list of their most useful pieces of advice for us younger [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/06/27/36-tips-from-wives-older-wiser Wed, 27 Jun 2012 16:06:56 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/06/27/36-tips-from-wives-older-wiser On June 25th, 2012 we were lucky to have three wonderful “older and wiser” women speak to us in a panel discussion about what has made their marriages last for over 25 years. These hand-picked, Islamicaly educated, bright women led an eye-opening talk by giving us a list of their most useful pieces of advice for us younger generation.


Here are 25 highlights:

1. Think of your marriage as something that is meant to last forever…work through problems…don’t throw your marriage away easily.
2. Choose someone older that you both trust to seek advice from along the way when you have problems…don’t wait until you are at a breaking point to ask for help.
3. Take care of your Salah – prayer- and Allah will take care of your marriage.
4. Admit when you are wrong and he is right…let go of your pride by saying “You have a good point” or “I didn’t think of it that way.”
5. Cooperate…each couple should come to agreements about duties, etc.
6. Let him know when you are hurt or what bothers you from the beginning…don’t let things bottle up inside of you.
7. Realize that 50/50 doesn’t really work when it comes to taking care of your household…accept the fact that it’s more like 90/10 and you won’t be disappointed.
8. Put Allah first…please Him in all that you do and He will take care of your marriage and your life as a whole.
9. Be very patient.
10. Make your husband your first priority.
11. Keep in mind that when you are a good wife you get rewarded from Allah.
12. Let the little things go.
13. Use “I statements.”
14. Listen instead of talking a lot…save the “bitty things” for the girls…spare him the details.
15. Men aren’t mind readers.
16. Don’t use disrespectful words like “Duh” or “Really” or “Whatever”… use Islamic expressions instead when you want to exclaim (and we all need to sometimes!) like “Subhanallah” or “Allahu Akbar.”
17. Be positive, even when it seems bad…when the Shaitan (Devil) wants to break up society, he targets husband/wife relationships because they are the nucleus…so don’t let him do that by thinking negatively about your husband.
18. Give him his rights (intimacy, etc…) for the reward from Allah.
19. Keep in mind that men at an older age (around 50-60 years old) tend to want your attention more.
20. Having many kids can help keep your relationship stable.
21. Never go to bed angry.
22. Both the husband and wife should put Islam as their focus.
23. Create a road for the both of you to work towards…instead of always looking towards each other, look ahead together at this road.
24. Forgive easily.
25. If you are a stay-at-home mom, don’t put yourself down…being a good mom and wife can be the most difficult job in the world and it is very rewarding.

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/06/27/36-tips-from-wives-older-wiser#comments 8 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, marriage and family counselor and author of “ http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/05/24/35-munira-ezzeldine-delightful-disputes Thu, 24 May 2012 16:40:08 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/05/24/35-munira-ezzeldine-delightful-disputes Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, marriage and family counselor and author of “Before the Wedding: 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married” who gave a talk titled “Delightful Disputes,” where we learned how to turn our annoying arguments into constructive conversations and ways to resolve conflicts and effectively communicate with our spouses. Here are some useful highlights.

Munira said that in order to achieve conflict resolution a person must first:

• Begin with basic acceptance of their partner’s personality.
• Accept that there is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.
• Have respect for your spouse and be open to his/her point of view.
• Not let things bottle up.

She outlined Five Steps to Conflict Resolution using the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman.

They are:
1. Soften your approach:
- Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You:”
  “You are not listening to me” vs. “I would like it if you listened to me”
  “You don’t care about me” vs. “I feel neglected”
- Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge:
  “You never help me with the baby” vs. “I feel like I am the only one running around after the baby"
- Be clear about what you want and be polite:
  “Would you give the baby a bath for once” vs. “Please give the baby a bath today"
- Be appreciative:
  “I really appreciate that you rescheduled your meeting to come home early so we can spend time together”

2. Make and receive 'Repair Attempts:'
- Putting on brakes is an important skill because it de-escalates an argument.
- Happy couples send and receive repair attempts with ease.
- Relationships engulfed in negativity have difficulty “hearing” repair attempts.
- Make the attempts obviously formal to emphasize them.
- Repair attempts are what will pull a couple out of the downward negative spiral.
- Accept the attempt in the spirit it was intended.
- Accept your spouse's influence.

Here are some examples of Repair Attempt phrases that you can use during disagreements:





3. Calm down:
- Let you spouse know you are feeling overwhelmed.
- Call a time-out and take a break.
- Re-schedule for when you will resume the discussion.
- Do what it takes to calm yourself down (pray, sleep, do a chore, etc).
- Give each other space to calm down.

4. Compromise:
- Negotiation can only happen once steps 1 – 3 have occurred.
- Compromise can only work when you open your mind to your spouse’s opinions and desires.
- You don’t have to agree to everything; but you have to be open to considering his position.
- Ask your spouse questions to help see his point of view.
- Search for the parts of your spouse’s perspective that are reasonable.
- Compromise is just talking out your differences and preferences and coming to a common ground that accommodates both.
- Ask yourselves these questions when trying to reach a compromise:

• What do we agree about?
• What are the most important feelings here?
• What common goals do we have?
• How can we understand this issue?
• How do we think these goals should be accomplished?
  

5. Be tolerant:
- “If only” thoughts and attitudes about your spouse will make conflicts very difficult to solve.
- Accept your spouse’s flaws & faults – unconditional love.
- Recognize that you cannot change your spouse.
- Recognize that you are two imperfect beings trying to make a life together.



]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/05/24/35-munira-ezzeldine-delightful-disputes#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Dr. Enas Elshiwick’s Wise Wives lecture on March 28th, based on her professional career as a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist and the book [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/04/05/34-elshiwick-on-gottman-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work Thu, 05 Apr 2012 21:58:30 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/04/05/34-elshiwick-on-gottman-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work Dr. Enas Elshiwick’s Wise Wives lecture on March 28th, based on her professional career as a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist and the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman.

During the meeting she discussed the concepts and findings behind the famed “Love Lab,” which is the research done at Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute near the University of Washington in Seattle. Gottman and his team have been studying how couples argue and resolve conflict and have followed hundreds of couples over time to see if their marriages last.

Using a scientific approach, they have found four negative factors that can predict divorce, see our previous blog entry, and seven positive principles that predict marital success. They claim that they can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will thrive or fail after watching and listening to them for just five minutes!

In this entry we will discuss Gottman’s seven principles that will reinforce the positive aspects of a relationship and help marriages endure during the rough moments:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps
Gottman defines a love map as the place in your brain where you store information about your spouse. This is crucial in really knowing your partner, their dreams, hopes, interests, and maintaining their interest throughout the relationship.

Elshiwick says, you must really know each other. Learn all about each other’s likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams, goals, fears, insecurities, participate in their interests, etc. Emotionally intelligent couples are familiar with the details of each other’s world. They remember the major events in each other’s history and keep up to date as the facts and feelings of their partner’s world changes.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
This means laying down a positive view about your spouse, respecting and appreciating their differences.  Focus on each other’s positive qualities, positive feelings for each other, and the good times you have shared with each other. It involves feeling that your partner is still worthy of honor and respect in spite of their flaws. Gottman found that 94% of the time when couples put a positive spin on their marriage’s history, they are likely to have a happy future.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Acknowledging your partner's small moments in life and orienting yourself towards them will maintain that necessary connection that is vital for the relationship.  Interact frequently; tell each other about your day, your thoughts, and your experiences.

Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways. When a partner makes a bid for your attention, affection, humor or support, turning toward your partner is the basis of emotional connection. The real secret is to turn to turn toward each other in little ways every day.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You
It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level. In other words share your power.  Maintain your identity and individualism, but be open-minded towards your partner’s opinion and be open to allow them to influence you.

Gottman advises couples, specifically guys, to be more open in letting their partner influence them.  Basically don’t be stubborn, close-minded, and a dictator in the relationship. When this occurs on both ends, the two of you can get through virtually any problem. The happiest marriages were those where the husband was able to convey honor and respect for their wife and did not resist sharing power and decision-making. These husbands actively search for common ground instead of insisting on getting their way. Gottman found women were more likely to let their husbands influence them by taking their opinions and feelings into account.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved, which Gottman believes can be accomplished by these five steps: 1. Soften your startup, 2. learn to make and receive repair attempts, 3. soothe yourself and each other, 4. compromise, and 5. be tolerant of each other’s faults.

Also, communicate respectfully, make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.”, criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, take a break when you’re getting too upset, and, complain but don’t blame, compromise, describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge, Be clear, polite and appreciative, don’t store things up.

Elshiwick says, find a compromise for problems that can be resolved and if you need to you can even agree on a set of problems that are unsolvable.  More about that next.

6. Overcome Gridlock
Major issues that cannot be resolved because both partners’ views are so fundamentally different involves understanding of the other person and deep communication. The goal is to at least get to a position that allows the other person to empathize with the partner's view, even if a compromise cannot be reached, understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict. 

For permanent issues such as differences in religion, learn to empathize and understand where your partner’s view – agree to disagree.

Ending gridlock doesn’t mean solving the problem, but rather moving from gridlock to dialogue. Some steps are:
- Learn to uncover your partner’s dreams.
- Understand why each of you feels so strongly about the gridlocked issue.
- Soothe each other to avoid flooding.
- End the gridlock by making peace with the issue, accepting the differences between you, talking without hurting each other and compromising.

7. Create Shared Meaning
Create a shared value system that continually connects the two of you through rituals/traditions, shared roles and symbols. share values, attitudes, interests, traditions. Create a shared value system that gets strengthened through family ritual.

In summary, a couple has to actively cultivate an atmosphere of positivism and support while using conflict resolution and repair attempts to keep resentment out of the relationship.

Repair Attempts Include:




]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/04/05/34-elshiwick-on-gottman-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Dr. Enas Elshiwick’s Wise Wives lecture on March 28th, based on her professional career as a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist and the book [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/04/02/33-elshiwick-on-gottman-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse Mon, 02 Apr 2012 22:38:29 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/04/02/33-elshiwick-on-gottman-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse Dr. Enas Elshiwick’s Wise Wives lecture on March 28th, based on her professional career as a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist and the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman.

During the meeting she discussed the concepts and findings behind the famed “Love Lab,” which is the research done at Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute near the University of Washington in Seattle. Gottman and his team have been studying how couples argue and resolve conflict and have followed hundreds of couples over time to see if their marriages last.

Using a scientific approach, they have found four negative factors that can predict divorce, see our previous blog entry, and seven positive principles that predict marital success. They claim that they can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will thrive or fail after watching and listening to them for just five minutes!

In this entry we will discuss Gottman’s seven principles that will reinforce the positive aspects of a relationship and help marriages endure during the rough moments:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps:
Gottman defines a love map as the place in your brain where you store information about your spouse. This is crucial in really knowing your partner, their dreams, hopes, interests, and maintaining their interest throughout the relationship.

Elshiwick says, you must really know each other. Learn all about each other’s likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams, goals, fears, insecurities, participate in their interests, etc. Emotionally intelligent couples are familiar with the details of each other’s world. They remember the major events in each other’s history and keep up to date as the facts and feelings of their partner’s world changes.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration:
This means laying down a positive view about your spouse, respecting and appreciating their differences.  Focus on each other’s positive qualities, positive feelings for each other, and the good times you have shared with each other. It involves feeling that your partner is still worthy of honor and respect in spite of their flaws. Gottman found that 94% of the time when couples put a positive spin on their marriage’s history, they are likely to have a happy future.


3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away:
Acknowledging your partner's small moments in life and orienting yourself towards them will maintain that necessary connection that is vital for the relationship.  Interact frequently; tell each other about your day, your thoughts, and your experiences.

Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways. When a partner makes a bid for your attention, affection, humor or support, turning toward your partner is the basis of emotional connection. The real secret is to turn to turn toward each other in little ways every day.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You:
It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level. In other words share your power.  Maintain your identity and individualism, but be open-minded towards your partner’s opinion and be open to allow them to influence you.

Gottman advises couples, specifically guys, to be more open in letting their partner influence them.  Basically don’t be stubborn, close-minded, and a dictator in the relationship. When this occurs on both ends, the two of you can get through virtually any problem. The happiest marriages were those where the husband was able to convey honor and respect for their wife and did not resist sharing power and decision-making. These husbands actively search for common ground instead of insisting on getting their way. Gottman found women were more likely to let their husbands influence them by taking their opinions and feelings into account.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems:
It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved, which Gottman believes can be accomplished by these five steps: 1. soften your startup, 2. learn to make and receive repair attempts, 3. soothe yourself and each other, 4. compromise, and 5. be tolerant of each other’s faults.

Also, communicate respectfully, make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.” Criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, take a break when you’re getting too upset, complain but don’t blame, compromise, describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge, be clear, polite and appreciative and don’t store things up.

Elshiwick says, find a compromise for problems that can be resolved and if you need to you can even agree on a set of problems that are unsolvable.  More about that next.

6. Overcome Gridlock:
Major issues that cannot be resolved because both partners’ views are so fundamentally different involves understanding of the other person and deep communication. The goal is to at least get to a position that allows the other person to empathize with the partner's view, even if a compromise cannot be reached, understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict. 

For permanent issues such as differences in religion, learn to empathize and understand where your partner’s view – agree to disagree.

Ending gridlock doesn’t mean solving the problem, but rather moving from gridlock to dialogue. Some steps are:

• Learn to uncover your partner’s dreams.
• Understand why each of you feels so strongly about the gridlocked issue.
• Soothe each other to avoid flooding.
• End the gridlock by making peace with the issue, accepting the differences between you, talking without hurting each other and compromising.

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/04/02/33-elshiwick-on-gottman-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org --An email I received from a member with feedback, advice, and a summary of what she’s learned from Wise Wives.

Please read through to the end, she has great insights!

"So an interesting question came up yesterday at the meeting. As soon as it was mentioned, my mind exploded with answers to the question, but I knew [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/03/30/32-why-wise-wives-not-wise-husbands Fri, 30 Mar 2012 11:47:02 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/03/30/32-why-wise-wives-not-wise-husbands --An email I received from a member with feedback, advice, and a summary of what she’s learned from Wise Wives.

Please read through to the end, she has great insights!

"So an interesting question came up yesterday at the meeting. As soon as it was mentioned, my mind exploded with answers to the question, but I knew that if I didn't organize my thoughts before I stated them, it would all sound like a bunch of rubbish when I opened my mouth. I also figured it would just pass and I'd get over it.

But if you know me, you'll know that if I go to sleep, and wake up still thinking about the same thing, that’s when I know I can't be quiet about it. So I wasn't. I wrote my thoughts down because, well, that’s what I do. Plus I had nowhere else to put them…so I’m throwing them your way.

As many women would agree, Wise Wives is a wonderful program that allows us to interactively learn about what the rules and laws of marriage are in Islam, through many resources made available to us through the website, as well as attending lectures by many well acclaimed doctors and authors specializing in the field of marriage. However in the past couple of meetings I have attended, a few women have voiced an interesting question. Why wise wives, and not wise husbands?

Why is it that us women have to take it upon us to burden ourselves with the responsibility of improving our marriage, or prepare ourselves for a future marriage, while the men do nothing of equal importance? Although I did not speak up at the time, I immediately had an answer as to why we are the ones taking on this challenge. I agree that just like us, men also have a lot to learn about what our Deen has to say about marriage and how it should go, and they too should be brushing up on their knowledge of the topic. However, I also believe that getting them to that point is easier for us women to maneuver rather than waiting for the husbands to do it on their own.

Interestingly, I recalled that in every article or book I have read about how a woman changed her marriage to the better, she always started with herself.  In the beginning, the woman always set out to change her husband, to make him better, turn him into the ideal husband she has always wanted. Somewhere along the way, that same woman would find that a marriage and relationship takes two people, and imperfections don't lie in the husband alone. After all, no one is perfect. And if there are problems in a marriage, usually that means both parties are contributing to those problems. Usually.

So where is the answer? Where do we begin in fixing our problems and bettering our marriages? Well as I continued to read, I found that those same women turned from their husbands, to themselves. Rather than trying to change him, better him, improve him, she began with herself. Changed herself, challenged her own faults, and started taking different approaches in acting and reacting to her husband.

It’s been proven, time and time again by physics, every action has a reaction. Initially, when the wife begins to better herself, as a person and as a wife, the husband in return would better himself, ultimately improving the marriage. So great, one person starts, the other person follows, things get better, right? So then why can't the man start?! ...Fair enough. But there is another answer to that 'why' as well.

Because we, as women, run and control the household. Think about it. We decide where things go around the house, what and when things are clean, what everyone is going to eat every day, and sometimes even how and when we spend our money. In truth, we run the show. And how we act or feel, will always affect everyone else in that household. So we decide if today everyone is going to get up early and have breakfast together and spend the day together, happily, as a family. Or if we are going to sulk around the house all day, being depressed and fighting with everyone. The rest of our family acts as a mirror to us and our emotions. As women, wives, and mothers, we can turn things around in an instant. If your husband is having a bad day, you make him his favorite meal, and he feels better. If your kids are sick, you play their favorite movie and cuddle with them, until they feel better. We have the remote and we control the ins and outs of our household.

So the real question is, where do we begin? We've established that we will be much better at improving our marriage than our husbands will be because of the power and control we ultimately have over our household and relationships. Because is it our job, as women, to nurture, and care for those around us, therefore caring for their well-being, as well as ours, and controlling which direction our relationships go in. We're in the drivers seat when it comes to our relationships. So where do we start?

I say the first step is to let the man, be the man. Meaning that they are providers, protectors, and influencers. So let him be so! Us women can be very influential, without appearing to be. By simply restructuring a sentence or request, there can be a better outcome.  So rather than pushing a decision on your husband, request it. After all, every man’s goal ultimately is to make his wife happy. Every man wants to be your hero, your knight in shining armor.

So when you begin a sentence with "I want..." he immediately wants to meet your needs, and make you happy, and feel like your provider and hero. SO LET HIM!! In Islam, women are meant to be taken care of. In all honestly, our religion spoils women. Our entire lives, we are meant to be provided for and taken care of. And even if we do work, our money is ours to keep, to do with what we please. We burden no financial responsibilities towards the household or otherwise. We are meant to be covered to be protected even from a strangers eyes, and provided with everything we need to live a happy and fulfilling life. The man has a need to fulfill that responsibility. He has to be the big tough guy that carries us when we're too tired to walk. And really, what girl doesn't love to be spoiled? Never has that meant that we give up our individuality or independence. It simply means that everything we do in our life, is for our own leisure and pleasure, rather than a requirement to meet responsibilities.

For example, a few weeks ago my husband and I had a very productive conversation, it is one of those conversations I am most pleased with throughout our marriage. My husband explained to me that if I want to work outside of the home that I may by choice. He told me he would always support me and my work and allow me to do so in order to fulfillingly feel the satisfaction of success. So that I may feel that I have done something useful with my education, and meet goals that I set for myself, and be proud of what I do. However, he said, it will never become a requirement for me to work. He will never ask me to work in order to provide or care for our home, and that that will always be his burden and responsibility. He also said that the only time he would ask me not to work is if he found that my work was getting in the way of other more important things. That’s not to say that if the house isn't clean he's going to tell me to quit my job! This is all of course while being understanding that I am working and helping me around the house.

But if my work was to get in the way of taking care of the kids or fulfilling my Deen’s requirements, such as prayer five times a day, then we would re-discuss my working. He also mentioned that the other circumstance under which he would ask me to leave a job would be if there were some unsolvable problem I am experiencing from it, such as some form of harassment. I thought these ideas to be very fair, and perfectly following the rules and guidelines of our Deen. At the same time, I am not challenging my husband’s needs to be the provider for our home, making it a win win situation.

Men also like to be your go-to person. Not just for opening a jar or fixing your car, but more importantly for advice. It does not make a woman stupid or incapable when she asks her husband for advice. After all, if we trusted them enough to give them ourselves for the rest of our lives, I'm sure we can trust their judgment and opinions on the matters in our lives. It doesn't make us any less of a person, but sometimes women are more emotional, and so it helps to get a more logical perspective on things, which can be your husband’s role. Often times, asking for his advice or opinion on something will turn into a discussion in which you both learn something about each other, allowing you to grow closer as a couple. All because you turned to him in need of something, rather than pushing a final decision on him. Usually pushing a decision on a man will actually cause him to turn away from it, refusing it, whether he actually agrees or not, just because of the way the idea was proposed.

Some more personal advice from me is, praise your husband. Thank him for the things he does, big or small. Show him you appreciate how hard he works, and really get excited when he does something around the house. Brag about him to other people, let him and everyone know you are proud of him. In return, he'll probably start doing the same. Not only will he also thank you for making dinner and cleaning the bedroom, but he'll also want to start doing more of the little things you started noticing because he likes the praise. Its human nature to like to be praised, and has been proven that positive reinforcement is far more affective than negative reinforcement. However be careful not to "baby" him or the way you praise him, that just makes it feel fake, or mothering.

The best thing any person can do in any relationship they have, no matter who it is with, is to put themselves in the other persons shoes. Understanding a certain topic or situation is all about perspective. Each person sees things from their point of view, and when that point of view can't be transferred to the other person, it allows a window of opportunity for a problem or fight to happen.

For example, you as the wife have spent all day cleaning the house and making a special dinner. Everything smells wonderful, and you put something special on, make yourself all pretty and wait for your husband to come home. He on the other hand has just had one of the worst days he can remember. Everything went wrong at work and he is dead tired. He gets home, kicks off his shoes, and crashes on the bed. Naturally, the wife is going to get upset, very upset, and probably not going to wait very long to voice her feelings. And a yelling whining wife is the last thing this husband needs today. And there is your fight. The husband doesn't know all the trouble the wife went through today, and that she has excitedly been waiting for him to get home. At the same time, the wife doesn't know what a terrible day her husband has been having, and how stressed out he feels.

But if we, as the good, humble supporting wife, took just one minute to put ourselves in his shoes, rather than jumping to assumptions that he doesn't care, we'd find that in his situation, we would have done the exact same thing. And rather than making his day even worse by yelling and fighting, we take him his special dinner to bed, and help him relax. It takes a second to decide how your going to react, and that second can and will change the course of the entire remaining week! In return, you'll find that when you too are having a bad day, your husband is more patient and understanding of you.

There are so many stories that can be told and so much advice that can be given on ways to improve a marriage. However no two marriages are alike, because no two couples are alike. Everything from personality to circumstances vary from marriage to marriage, so it is important to customize the ways in which you will better your marriage to fit the personality types and living circumstances you are dealing with.

Take it upon yourself to educate your husband along with you whenever you learn something new about what our Deen says about marriage. It is just as effective if you provide him with the knowledge rather than him doing it on his own. But in the end, a few things remain constant. We as individuals, hold the ability to improve our relaltionships, including having a fulfilling and satisfying marriage, because we are the most influential people in our own lives.

So don't wait for him to start attending a "wise husbands" event and improve your marriage, because we can already have that simply through the reactions they will take from our actions. You may find that after you have done what you need to do, he no longer needs to attend any event to make things better. They are just happening because of the way you began, and he finished.

Ultimately, if you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen! And a happy wife is a happy life! :-)"

--Mai Hazem, Laguna Hills





]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/03/30/32-why-wise-wives-not-wise-husbands#comments 7 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Family Circle’s February 2012 issue.

Four years ago my marriage was falling apart. Things were so bad that I [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/03/15/31-how-to-succeed-in-marriage Thu, 15 Mar 2012 20:42:55 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/03/15/31-how-to-succeed-in-marriage Family Circle’s February 2012 issue.

Four years ago my marriage was falling apart. Things were so bad that I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking not only about divorce, but whether I had it in me to screw my husband out of our retirement savings, who I would date when I was finally, happily single, and what brand of beer I’d serve at my ex’s funeral.

I no longer obsess over this stuff because things are a lot better now. Yet from time to time, I am tempted. For instance, not long ago I was e-mailing a friend when Mark came into the room, stopped in front of me, cleared his throat in that way I find so utterly annoying, and growled, “You bought Kaarina a doughnut?” My mind raced. Has he told me he’s against our 7-year-old eating doughnuts?
“Yeah, I did,” I replied.

“Well, she asked me to buy her one yesterday and I said no. Then you go and get her one?”
Before I could say another word, Mark stormed off in a huff. I wanted to chase after him, throw something at the back of his head and scream, “How the heck was I supposed to know you didn’t want me to buy Kaarina a doughnut? You give her cheese curls! Cheese curls!” Instead, I stayed put and just stared at the wall. “You can handle this,” I told myself. “Your marriage isn’t doomed. You know what to do. You’ve come a long way.”

And I really have. Let me explain…Our problems began when Mark lost his job several years ago. For a while, he embraced unemployment as if he’d been reunited with an old girlfriend who’d just gotten implants, liposuction and inherited a trust fund. Then he opened a business (which, I might add, wouldn’t become profitable for three years). When Mark wasn’t at work, he was riding his bike or hanging out with buddies. He turned surly and distant. I was either working or being mom to our little girl. When our paths did cross, Mark and I either had nothing to say or got into arguments about how to fold the laundry, exactly what was and wasn’t allowed on the bathroom countertop, who was the better grocery shopper.

But mostly we fought over “me” time. I’d ask him to do something with Kaarina so I could attend a meditation class; he would forget and schedule a bike ride instead. When it was my book club night, he’d suddenly crawl into bed and say he didn’t feel well enough to babysit. I considered couples counseling, but worried that Mark would blow off the appointments. Truth be told, I also worried that the counselor would take his side.

The only thing that scared me more was divorce. If we split up, would I be making the biggest mistake of my life? Hadn’t I married him for a reason? Smart women don’t say “I do” to guys they despise. I must have loved him back then. Maybe I could find a way to love him all over again.

So I set out to turn him into the man I wanted him to be. I read books and trolled the Internet searching for the source of his flaw, the personality defect that prevented him from being a doting husband and father. Problem was, I just couldn’t find it—and for good reason. “A bad marriage always takes two people,” says Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., author of Emotional Fitness for Couples.

“What’s really happening is an imbalance where one person wants one thing and the other wants something else. Our reptilian brain, however, always tends to blame someone else.” On top of pointing fingers, I foolishly clung to the belief that I was the good and perfect wife. “We don’t like to admit we have faults that contribute to relationship problems because it feels terrible,” says Pat Love, Ed.D., coauthor of Never Be Lonely Again: The Way Out of Emptiness, Isolation and a Life Unfulfilled. “It’s like making an appointment with pain.”

As it happens, my wake-up call was quite humbling. One Saturday I was waiting for Mark to come home from a bicycling event so I could go for a run. He was late. I called. He said he was catching a ride with a friend who wasn’t yet ready to leave. Ten minutes later, I rang again, asking, “Are you guys on your way?” Then I phoned again, except this time when he answered I yelled, “Did you tell your friend that your wife wanted you home?” Then I called him a bunch of names, out loud, in front of our daughter. “What’s wrong with Daddy?” she asked.

That’s when I finally realized I had a problem communicating. And if that was true, it stood to reason I had contributed to our troubles. I faced the facts: I expected him to know and do everything I wanted without me telling him what it was. When he failed, I punished him with silence, sarcasm or rage.

That was the turning point that saved our marriage. I apologized to Mark that day, abandoned my efforts to fix him, and set out to fix myself.

It wasn’t easy. For instance, when I wanted him to cancel a bike race he was planning on, I found myself tongue tied. I worried that I’d say it all wrong and start a wicked fight. In a halting voice, I managed to ask, “C-can we talk about the bike race?”

“What about it?” he said.

“I’d prefer you didn’t go. I’d like us to have some family time.”

“Okay, I’ll stay home.”

I blinked the tears out of my eyes.

Over time I worked on my delivery, and I got better at it. I kept my requests succinct. I used a soft, warm tone. I’d place a palm gently on his thigh. Instead of blaming, I asked for help. Something wonderful happened. Mark began vacuuming more often, took Kaarina to the park on weekends, and thoughtfully closed the bedroom door when I lay down for an afternoon nap. And I, in turn, decided to become the kind of wife I wanted to be. I complimented him, said thanks for the smallest of gestures. I started real, two-way conversations and became the best listener ever.
One night I came home from a business trip. “Can you get me a beer?” Mark asked, a smirk on his face.

“Oooo-kay,” I said.

Opening the fridge, I saw that he’d not only rearranged it while I’d been away, but also scrubbed the crud from every corner. He’d tidied up all of the kitchen cabinets, too. That’s just one of many amazing things this man—who I’d once thought of as a poor excuse for anyone’s husband—began doing for me and our daughter. I’d changed him simply by changing me. “Think of a relationship as a system where all parts are interconnected,” says John Friel, Ph.D., coauthor of The 7 Best Things (Happy) Couples Do. “When one person acts her best self in a romantic relationship, it influences and encourages her partner to do the same.”

I thought about all of this as I stared at the wall after our doughnut dustup. And I remembered something my meditation teacher had told me the week before—“Everyone suffers from pride. It’s human nature to think our wishes, ideas and opinions are more important than those of others. It’s only by abandoning pride that we find lasting happiness.” I took a deep breath and swallowed a big lump of it. I stood up, walked over to Mark and said, “I’m sorry I bought her a doughnut.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “You didn’t know I told her she couldn’t have one.”

Of course I couldn’t have known, but somehow I kept my mouth shut. I hugged him instead.

After all, he’s an imperfect man, one who deserves to be cherished by the imperfect likes of me.


]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/03/15/31-how-to-succeed-in-marriage#comments 5 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org On February 5th 2012, Wise Wives held its first multi-speaker event at the Islamic Center of Irvine called the “Respect Conference” that highlighted the importance of respect in a husband/wife relationship.

We were lucky to have three wonderful speakers that gave us so much useful and inspirational knowledge from [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/23/30-conference-insights-part-3-reflect-on-respect Thu, 23 Feb 2012 21:28:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/23/30-conference-insights-part-3-reflect-on-respect On February 5th 2012, Wise Wives held its first multi-speaker event at the Islamic Center of Irvine called the “Respect Conference” that highlighted the importance of respect in a husband/wife relationship.

We were lucky to have three wonderful speakers that gave us so much useful and inspirational knowledge from their personal and professional lives that I’d like to share here.

Two of whose lectures, Noha Alshugairi and Megan Wyatt, I will be summarizing in a blog series because they were interactive lectures and the third, Yasmin Mogahed, will be uploaded as a video. Enjoy!

Even though Megan Wyatt’s lecture was a series of activities, I think that outlining them here for you can be beneficial. By doing them privately within your home, I think that you can gain an insightful meaning into what respect really means specifically to you.

In the 1st activity she asked us to complete the following sentences by writing them down:

• Respect is:
• Respect towards a husband is:
• Respect is shown by:
• Respect is:
• Respect means to never:
• Respect means to always:
• Respect is important because:
• Respect is:
• A respectful wife will:

She asked us to continuously write our thoughts about each one until she stopped us and moved on to the next one. By doing this the audience was urged to dig deep down to think of answers and discover what respect means to them. Then we were given the opportunity to share our thoughts with the person next to us. Try this out one day either alone or with your girlfriends to discover what it means to you.

In the 2nd activity Megan told us to think of a specific scenario of the last time we were disrespectful to our husband. After giving us a lot of time to ponder this, she asked us to write it down.Then asked for a couple people to share with everyone. The purpose of this was to show the root of why disrespect was shown.

After everyone was done writing, she asked us to write down why it happened, then told us to cross that out and write down a deeper reason, then told us to cross that out and write a third, even deeper reason.

Some discovered that the real reason was because of their own insecurities and some discovered that the intent of their husband’s action was not bad in the first place.

Try this and maybe you’ll discover the real reasons behind your disrespect.

In the 3rd activity, she told us to make three columns, in the first we were asked to list three things that we do for or with our husbands on a regular basis. In the second column we were asked to write three things we do with or for our kids, and in the third column three things we do for our household.

Then we were asked to cross out any activity on those lists that someone else can do instead of you. That includes cleaning, going out, feeding your kids…

Then she said that if this activity was done right, we would discover that the only thing not crossed out would be physical intimacy with your husband. She said that this activity is meant to emphasize the importance of this part of marriage.

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/23/30-conference-insights-part-3-reflect-on-respect#comments 1 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org On February 5th 2012, Wise Wives held its first multi-speaker event at the Islamic Center of Irvine called the “Respect Conference” that highlighted the importance of respect in a husband/wife relationship.

We were lucky to have three wonderful speakers that gave us so much useful and inspirational knowledge from their [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/13/29-conference-insights-part-2-%e2%80%9ccircle-of-influence%e2%80%9d Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:26:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/13/29-conference-insights-part-2-%e2%80%9ccircle-of-influence%e2%80%9d On February 5th 2012, Wise Wives held its first multi-speaker event at the Islamic Center of Irvine called the “Respect Conference” that highlighted the importance of respect in a husband/wife relationship.

We were lucky to have three wonderful speakers that gave us so much useful and inspirational knowledge from their personal and professional lives that I’d like to share here.

Two of whose lectures, Noha Alshugairi and Megan Wyatt, I will be summarizing in a blog series because they were interactive lectures and the third, Yasmin Mogahed, will be uploaded as a video. Enjoy!


Noha Alshugairi went on to teach us about the “Circle of Influence.” She drew two circles: one large one and a smaller one inside of it. She explained that there is a large circle of “concerns” in a person’s life (or marriage) and there is a smaller circle within it of “influence.” And that each person should direct their energy wisely by focusing on what they can actually change in their lives (the smaller circle of influence). Don’t dwell on the larger circle because you cannot control everything!

This applies to your marriage because if you realize that there is no use in trying to control everything, you will realize that the only things worth judging are the things that directly affect you. Otherwise it is a waste of energy.

She says that you will be much happier and relaxed and your marriage would be much easier if “you let go of judgments that have nothing to do with you.” In other words, don’t judge your husband if he is doing something you dislike but that will have no effect on you. These judgments would fall into the larger circle and not into the smaller one.

To emphasize this important point she gave a, what some might call, extreme example saying that even if your husband does not pray, don’t judge him. According to Noha’s example, while this is an important factor to consider while choosing a husband initially, if your husband decides to stop praying it is inevitably between him and God, and that it has nothing to do with you. So while it is ok for the wife to politely advise him, pray for him, set a good example, etc, is it not ok for her to judge/criticize him.

This is opposed to if your husband, for example, drinks alcohol. While both not praying and drinking alcohol are both Haram (against Islamic behavior), one directly affects you and one does not; because if your husband drinks, he can become harmful to you and your family.

Though many scholars have different opinions about the validity of the example of prayer, which is a very delicate matter, it is important to take the meaning of the example rather than the factuality of it. In other words, take it as the most extreme act a husband can do that a wife would dislike. So let’s say your husband decorates his office with clowns, or doesn’t clean out his car, or has a messy wallet…if it does not affect you, let it go!

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/13/29-conference-insights-part-2-%e2%80%9ccircle-of-influence%e2%80%9d#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org On February 5th 2012, Wise Wives held its first multi-speaker event at the Islamic Center of Irvine called the “Respect Conference” that highlighted the importance of respect in a husband/wife relationship.

We were lucky to have three wonderful speakers that gave us so much useful and inspirational knowledge from [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/13/28-conference-insights-part-1-what-is-respect Mon, 13 Feb 2012 22:34:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/13/28-conference-insights-part-1-what-is-respect On February 5th 2012, Wise Wives held its first multi-speaker event at the Islamic Center of Irvine called the “Respect Conference” that highlighted the importance of respect in a husband/wife relationship.

We were lucky to have three wonderful speakers that gave us so much useful and inspirational knowledge from their personal and professional lives that I’d like to share here.

Two of whose lectures, Noha Alshugairi and Megan Wyatt, I will be summarizing in a blog series because they were interactive lectures and the third, Yasmin Mogahed, will be uploaded as a video. Enjoy!

Licensed marriage & family therapist Noha Alshugairi was our first speaker. With her straight forward, comprehensive and stimulating manner, she approached the topic head on by asking the audience what “respect” means to them.

The list included:

• Communicating politely
• Consideration
• Open-mindedness
• Compromise
• Acknowledging his thoughts and ideas
• Treating him how you want to be treated and
• Protecting his property

Agreeing with all these points, she then asked them for specific examples of how someone showed respect to their husband lately.

One woman responded with an example that is important to apply in every marriage. This woman was out with her husband and he said something that bothered her in front of other people. But instead of publicly announcing her disappointment to the whole crowd she waited till they got home and were alone to confront him about it. Noha called this a “private scolding” between husband and wife. She said that this was a very smart thing she did, and that “scolding” should always be done in private, and especially not in front of the children if any.

Another woman responded by saying that she shows respect by being kind to his parents, which Noha said is very important and if you take care of them it is an act of worship on your part.

A third response was, “I respect his income.” Noha smiled and was amazed at how smart the audience was as she wrote that one down, exclaiming that this was also very noteworthy. Reaffirming that a wife should never put her husband down because of how much he makes.

Other great pieces of advice that she emphasized were:

• “When you get upset at your husband, look at the big picture, weigh the pluses and minuses.”

• “Don’t compare your husband with other husbands.”

• When your husband does something to help, “appreciate his efforts, even if he dressed your baby in an ugly outfit.”

• “You must respect yourself first before you can respect anyone else.”

• “Respect cannot be forced… there is a big difference between surface respect and deep respect.”

• Fights usually stem from misunderstandings and “misunderstandings occur when assumptions happen.”

• When there is a problem “don’t look at external behavior, look at the cause.”

• Husbands cannot read minds so use “I statements.” No matter how much we would like our husbands to know what we want without us saying it, we have to realize that this is highly unlikely. Instead say “I want…” or “I would really love…” when you would like your husband to do something. “If you use ‘I statements’ a lot they might begin to pick up on what you need before you even say it.”

Read on to Part 2, where Noha teaches us where to focus our energy in order to lead happy lives/marriages.

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/02/13/28-conference-insights-part-1-what-is-respect#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Yasmin Mogahed about respect:

And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; verily, in that are signs for people [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/01/04/27-a-successful-marriage-the-missing-link-by-yasmin-mogahed Wed, 04 Jan 2012 14:55:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2012/01/04/27-a-successful-marriage-the-missing-link-by-yasmin-mogahed Yasmin Mogahed about respect:

And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; verily, in that are signs for people who reflect.” (Qur’an, 30:21)

We’ve all read this verse on countless marriage announcements. But how many have actualized it? How many of our marriages really embody that love and mercy described by Allah? What is going wrong when so many of our marriages are ending in divorce?

According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, the answer is simple. In his book, Eggerichs explains that extensive research has found that a man’s primary need is for respect, while a woman’s primary need is for love. He describes what he calls the “crazy cycle”—the pattern of argumentation that results when the wife does not show respect and the husband does not show love. He explains how the two reinforce and cause one another. In other words, when a wife feels that her husband is acting unloving, she often reacts with disrespect, which in turn makes the husband act even more unloving.

Eggerichs argues that the solution to the “crazy cycle” is for the wife to show unconditional respect to her husband and for the husband to show unconditional love to his wife. This means that a wife should not say that first her husband must be loving before she will show him respect. By doing so, she will only bring about more unloving behavior. And a husband should not say that first his wife must be respectful before he will show her love. By doing so, he will only bring about more disrespectful behavior. The two must be unconditional.

When I reflected on this concept, I realized that looking at the Qur’an and prophetic wisdom, there are no two concepts more stressed with regards to the marital relationship.

“Take good care of women, for they were created from a bent rib, and the most curved part of it is its top; if you try to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it will remain arched, so take good care of women.” (Bukhari & Muslim)

He has further stressed: “The most perfect believer in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.” (Al-Tirmidhi)

The Prophet ﷺ has also said, “A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)

Allah says: “…Live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” (Qur’an, 4:19)

In these jewels of wisdom, men are urged to be kind and loving towards their wives. Moreover, they are urged to overlook their wife’s faults when showing that kindness and love.

On the other hand, when addressing the wife, the focus is different. Why are women not told again and again to be kind and loving towards their husbands? Perhaps it is because unconditional love already comes naturally to women. Few men complain that their wives do not love them. But many complain that their wives do not respect them. And it is this sentiment which is most stressed in the Qur’an and sunnah, with regards to wives.

Respect can be manifest in a number of ways. One of the most important ways to show respect is the respect of one’s wishes. When someone says, “I respect your advice,” they mean “I will follow your advice.” Respecting a leader, means doing what they say. Respecting our parents means not going against their wishes. And respecting one’s husband means respecting his wishes. The Prophet ﷺ has said: “When any woman prays her five, fasts her month, guards her body and obeys her husband, it is said to her: ‘Enter paradise from whichever of its doors you wish.’” [At-Tirmidhi]

Why are we as women told to respect and follow the wishes of our husbands? It is because men are given an extra degree of responsibility. Allah says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means . . .” (Qur’an, 4:34)

But won’t this unconditional respect towards one’s husband put us, as women, in a weak, submissive position? Won’t we set ourselves up to be taken advantage of and abused? Quite the contrary. The Quran, the prophetic example, and even contemporary research have proven the exact opposite. The more respect a woman shows her husband, the more love and kindness he will show her. And in fact, the more disrespect she shows, the more harsh and unloving he becomes.

Similarly, a man may question why he should show kindness and love towards even a disrespectful wife. To answer this question, one only needs to look at the example of Omar Ibn ul-Khattab. When a man came to Omar (who was Khalifah at the time) to complain of his wife, he heard Omar’s own wife yelling at him. While the man turned to leave, Omar called him back. The man told Omar that he had come to complain of the same problem that Omar himself had. To this Omar replied that his wife tolerated him, washed his clothes, cleaned his home, made him comfortable, and took care of his children. If she did all of this for him, how could he not tolerate her when she raised her voice?

This story provides a beautiful example for all of us—not only for the men. This story is a priceless illustration of tolerance and patience, which is essential for any successful marriage. Moreover, consider the reward in the hereafter for those who show patience: Allah says, “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning (or measure).” (Qur’an, 39:10)

]]> info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
Take it and see your results below!

Do you:

1. Feel superior to your husband?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
2. Nag your husband?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
3. Sympathize with other wives about your [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/10/04/26-lessons-from-laura-part-10 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 13:55:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/10/04/26-lessons-from-laura-part-10
Take it and see your results below!

Do you:

1. Feel superior to your husband?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
2. Nag your husband?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
3. Sympathize with other wives about your husband?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
4. Hear yourself say, “I told my husband…”
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
5.Think everything would be fine if your husband would do what you tell him to do?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
6. Eavesdrop on your husband’s conversations?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
7. Feel like the only adult in the family?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
8. Feel overburdened in parenting your children?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
9. Do things for your husband that he is capable of doing himself?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
10. Have recurring anxiety and depression?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
11. Feel exhausted?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
12. Find either of you disinterested in intimacy?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
13. Feel resentful or jealous about your husband’s victories?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
14. Reject or criticize his gifts?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
15. Fantasize about divorce or life with a man who would better match you?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
16. Discount the reasons you chose your husband in the first place?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
17. Feel hopeless because your needs have gone unmet for so long?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
18. Have a hard time trusting your husband even in small matters?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
19. Find yourself trying to control your husband?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently
20. Get angry with your husband when he makes a poor decision?
Rarely – Sometimes – Frequently

To total your score, give yourself:
5 points for every rarely - 3 points for every sometimes - 1 point for every frequently

If your score is 61 or above: Congratulations, your marriage is very intimate and passionate. You found a man you respect, and the two of you have a positive impact on each other. This union is a healthy mix of individuality and togetherness. You’re quick to apologize and he adores you for it. You’re well on your way to becoming your best selves together.

If your score is 36-60: You are overworked and underappreciated. It’s hard to tell because you make it look easy, but you’re doing too much and you need a break. Start to take better care of yourself and ask for help more often. Your vulnerability will be rewarded if your husband feels respected. Thank your husband for his contributions and you will be well on your way to igniting passion and achieving intimacy.

If your score is 35 or less: What intimacy? You’re probably wondering what the heck you ever saw in this guy. But not to worry, the tenderness you seek may just be dormant. If you can remember the reasons you agreed to marry him in the first place and start respecting him for those reasons, you can still have the marriage you always dreamed was possible. You won’t be sorry.


Thank you all for joining me in this series. I hope that everyone took at least one thing away from it and is implenenting it to better their marriages.


]]> info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
Laura recommends that each and every one of us practice “good self-care.”

Good self-care means treating yourself well in order to be able to treat [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/10/01/25-lessons-from-laura-part-9 Sat, 01 Oct 2011 16:24:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/10/01/25-lessons-from-laura-part-9
Laura recommends that each and every one of us practice “good self-care.”

Good self-care means treating yourself well in order to be able to treat others well.

It prevents you from being frustrated, it helps you gain more patience, and you cant have intimacy with your husband without first having good self-care.

Laura says that it is so important that you should have at least three self-care habits per day and that you should schedule it if necessary.

Only you can know what truly gives you good self-care, but the main objective is that is it purely for you. Not for anyone else.

So for example:
1. Working out
2. Going out to lunch with a friend
3. Reading a good book
4. Painting
5. ….

Try this: Make your own list and try your hardest to do at least 3 a day!

“Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves,” Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

]]> info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
So ladies, if you are the ones balancing your household checkbook, controlling the budget, or even paying the bills, Laura recommends that you stop immediately by telling him that you would like to surrender that responsibility completely to him.

Here is why. [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/26/24-lessons-from-laura-part-8 Mon, 26 Sep 2011 23:05:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/26/24-lessons-from-laura-part-8
So ladies, if you are the ones balancing your household checkbook, controlling the budget, or even paying the bills, Laura recommends that you stop immediately by telling him that you would like to surrender that responsibility completely to him.

Here is why.

When your husband takes complete responsibility for the household finances 5 things will happen:

Increased generosity.
He will feel more of a connection with the money that is coming in and out. Making him able to either save more, or spend more. And when a man feels that he has a few dollars here and there in excess to spend on his wife to make her happy…he will.

There will be no mother-son dynamic.
He will not have to ask you if there is enough money in the account to buy this or do that, like a son would ask his mother. He will know how to provide for the family and how much can and should be spent on what.

You will be showing your trust in his capabilities to care for your family.
By relinquishing this responsibility you are showing him that your financial fate is completely in his hands. No one wants to end up poor or homeless, so he will feel a greater responsibility knowing that he is taking care of you from A to Z, a feeling that men are born to like to have by the way.

You will have perpetual dating.
Next time you are out for dinner, you won't even have to bother looking at the check or worrying if the account went into negative. He is the one managing your budget now, so just sit back and relax.

You will experience greater prosperity.
Believe it or not, you will find your household bank account increase in number. Men were built to think more analytically, while we are built to think more creatively.


Try this: Relinquish control of the finances. Make a spending plan for yourself and set a certain amount every week/month (whatever you decide on) in order to buy the things you want or are responsible for and leave the rest to him!

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/26/24-lessons-from-laura-part-8#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
We all know that men are logic-based, while women are emotion-based, so it is important to keep that in mind.

In fact Laura tells us to not ask a man, “How do you feel about that?” Instead you should say, “What do you think about [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/21/23-lessons-from-laura-part-7 Wed, 21 Sep 2011 15:36:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/21/23-lessons-from-laura-part-7
We all know that men are logic-based, while women are emotion-based, so it is important to keep that in mind.

In fact Laura tells us to not ask a man, “How do you feel about that?” Instead you should say, “What do you think about that?”

So how should we express our feelings in a way that our husbands will understand them?

Here are two important some tips:

• What to say when you are lonely: “I miss you.”

This expresses a desire to be with him, instead of a demand to be with him. That way the next time he has free time on Saturday he will want to spend it with you instead of hanging out with the guys. But if you insist on asking for his time, he will not be so inclined to give it.

You don’t want to force him into wanting to spend time with you, instead you should feel desired.

• What to say when you are feeling hurt: “Ouch.”

This is such an effective word to use, because for a man to see his woman hurt is a big deal. Remember they want you to be happy, not hurt. So if they feel that you are hurt they will do whatever they can to fix it…because they are problem solvers remember.

Try this: Next time you are feeling any one of those emotions, try using the above statements and note his reaction.

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/21/23-lessons-from-laura-part-7#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
There is a very important factor that every wife must [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/18/22-lessons-from-laura-part-6 Sun, 18 Sep 2011 18:39:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/18/22-lessons-from-laura-part-6
There is a very important factor that every wife must know, and that is that our husbands want us to be happy! Yes that’s right. When it comes down to it, every husband wants to be your knight in shining armor.

A man feels success according to how happy his wife is. You know the saying, “happy wife, happy life.”

But in order to get what we want we have to realize that most men need to be approached in a particular way. Men deal in black and white remember, so the simpler you make your requests the better.

A purely expressed desire is very different from a demand or a vague request. Your husband will jump at the chance to make you happy, you’ll see.

Laura recommends using these four statements to express your desires:
1. “I want…”
2. “I don’t want…”
3. “It would be nice if…”
4. “I would love …”

Then state what you want. Of course, you must know what you want before doing this, ladies. So make sure that you know your desires before trying to express them to anyone else.

Also, she says that we should focus on the end result, not how it happens. Remember, you can ask a man to do something, but never tell him how to go about doing it.

Here is a list of how NOT to express your desires:
1. Don’t ask him to do things by saying, “Why don’t you…” or “Can you…”
2. Don’t expect anything without expressing anything. He's not a mind reader.
3. Don’t say, “We need…”
4. Don’t ask him if he wants what you want: "Don't you want some tea right now?"
5. Don’t give a lengthy explanation: “I want…Because…”
6. Don’t make him guess what you want. Again, he’s not a mind reader.
7. Don’t tell him how to fulfill your desire.

Things that a wife should never ask for, however, are: affection, time and attention. These things should come naturally if you are using the right tactics. Be the “honey” and he will want to give you those three things.

Try this: Try using the above four statements to express your desires in the next couple days. Let’s say you are both sitting on the couch at night and you want to drink a cup of tea. Just say, “I would love a cup of tea,” and see his reaction.

Remember, I repeat, a purely expressed desire is very different from a demand or a vague request. Your husband will jump at the chance to make you happy, you’ll see.

]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/18/22-lessons-from-laura-part-6#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
Another major aspect of a healthy marriage is
R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Let’s find out what it really means for a man according to Laura Doyle’s teachings.

First here are some pointers to help you stop being disrespectful:

• Become aware of [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/11/21-lessons-from-laura-part-5 Sun, 11 Sep 2011 21:22:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/11/21-lessons-from-laura-part-5
  Another major aspect of a healthy marriage is
  R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
  
  Let’s find out what it really means for a man according to Laura Doyle’s teachings.
  
  First here are some pointers to help you stop being disrespectful:
  
  • Become aware of your actions and behaviors.
  • Do not criticize, contradict, or teach (even if you feel you are smarter than him).
  • Be accepting and trusting.
  • Don’t be unpleasable.
  • Don’t nag.
  • Feel genuine respect for him; something that will appear from habit.
  • Don’t say anything negative about his ideas or desires.
  • Remind yourself that you are taking the high road.
  • Remind yourself that you can either have the satisfaction of being right, or have intimacy in your marriage.
  • Don’t be rude. Recognize that he deserves the same niceness and hospitality you would give a guest in your house for example.
  • Don’t yell or give the silent treatment.
  • If he does something that you really can’t respect, then forgive him because you wouldn’t want him to hold a mistake against you one day.
  For a full list, go to our page of 100 tips.
  
  If you find yourself doing these things Laura suggests saying one sentence, and one sentence only, nothing before and nothing after: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…(state specific thing).”
  
  Believe it or not, men need respect more than they need physical intimacy. Without it they feel unsuccessful and can withdraw. They will do what they can to spend as much time with the people that show them that respect; whether it’s in the home, at work, with his buddies or wherever. Wouldn’t you want him to want to spend as much time as he can with you?
  
  Try this: As you’re interacting with your husband this week notice when you are being disrespectful and as soon as you recognize it, apologize by saying the magic words, “I apologize for being disrespectful.” Take note of how you felt saying it, and how your husband reacted. It won’t be easy at first, but practice makes perfect and if Laura is right, his chest should puff out a little from your words.
  
  ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/11/21-lessons-from-laura-part-5#comments 2 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
  Why do we do it? And how do we stop?
  
  Why you ask? Well there is only one root cause of control, and that is fear. This fear is usually irrational and usually comes from an insecurity. And the most common justification for control is “I’m [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/07/20-lessons-from-laura-part-4 Wed, 07 Sep 2011 06:22:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/07/20-lessons-from-laura-part-4
  Why do we do it? And how do we stop?
  
  Why you ask? Well there is only one root cause of control, and that is fear. This fear is usually irrational and usually comes from an insecurity. And the most common justification for control is “I’m just trying to help.”
  
  Unfortunately, however, control is the opposite of love/intimacy. So we need to try to stay away from controlling as much as possible in order to regain love/intimacy in our marriages.
  
  Let’s take a small situation where a person was controlling and try to examine it:
  
  Let’s say you’re in the car with your husband, going somewhere you have both been before and you know he knows directions. Yet you decide to say, “turn right at the light” just because he wasn’t in the right lane at the same time you would be in the right lane for a right turn.
  
  Of course his reaction is to roll his eyes and say, “really, you think I didn’t know that?” It’s simply insulting to a man to think that his own wife doesn’t trust him to take her from point A to point B. This can leave him frustrated for at least an hour over something you thought was very small and just plain old helpful. You may have thought, “maybe he forgot or maybe he’s not paying attention.” But in reality he is simply doing something in a different way than you would.
  
  {In fact, let's say he really wasn’t paying attention or he did forget the directions and missed the turn, it would be better for you to hold your tongue until he passes the turn and then ask, “Sweetie, weren’t we supposed to make a right turn back there?”
  
  In that way, you add 2 minutes to your commute, but gain the satisfaction of knowing you did not insult your husband. After all he is the one driving…so just let him drive!}
  
  If this sounds at all familiar to you then ask yourself the following questions:
  
  1. What were you afraid of at the moment you said, “Turn right”? The most common answer to this would be: being inefficient. You were afraid of missing the turn and not getting to your destination in the most direct way.
  
  2. Was your fear realistic? No. In the end it doesn’t matter if you missed the turn, that’s why they invented U-turns!
  
  3. What’s the worst thing that could have happened if you hadn’t controlled the situation? Being a couple minutes later to your destination.
  
  4. Was controlling that particular situation worth losing the intimacy it cost you? NO!
  
  
  Try this: The next time you feel the urge to control something, whether through words or actions, ask yourself the above 4 questions and remind yourself that your fear (usually irrational) is what is making you do it. Fight that urge, because the cost of losing intimacy with your husband is simply not worth it!
  
  ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/07/20-lessons-from-laura-part-4#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
  Laura went on to describe to us 10 controlling habits we must avoid in order to be “surrendered wives.” Most of them are probably actions we do everyday, so don’t be shocked by [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/03/19-lessons-from-laura-part-3 Sat, 03 Sep 2011 16:18:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/03/19-lessons-from-laura-part-3
  Laura went on to describe to us 10 controlling habits we must avoid in order to be “surrendered wives.” Most of them are probably actions we do everyday, so don’t be shocked by some of them.
  
  Don’t:
  
  1. Offer him unsolicited “helpful” suggestions to solve a problem.
  
  By doing so you are directly implying that he can’t do it himself. Men are built as problem-solvers so let him fulfill that role, especially in the realm of the family.
  
  Instead, express that you feel that he is competent.Your confidence in him will give him the ideas he needs to solve whatever problem is in front of him. He needs to feel that he has your trust…ONLY then can he feel that he can solve his problem.
  
  2. Speak on his behalf.
  
  For example: if you are standing with a group of people, don’t answer questions out loud that are directed at him.
  
  Especially in public. You are cancelling his existence out, making him feel worthless.
  
  3. Make decisions for him.
  
  That is, don’t make them independent of him. Don’t cancel out his role in the family. Men are made to make decisions, without that task they will feel useless.
  
  4. Give him “the look.”
  
  Like when you roll your eyes at him when you feel he has made a bad decision. It is still controlling because it shows your disapproval.
  
  5. Make leading questions.
  
  For example: “You’re wearing that?” You’re obviously still displaying your disapproval of his decision. He already stood in the closet, looked at all his options, and decided to wear that…so just be accepting instead of belittling a decision he already made. Don’t make him feel like he is a child who can’t make decisions for himself.
  
  6. Say: “We need to go to counseling.”
  
  This makes him feel like he is bad, or something is wrong with him.
  
  7. Tell him how you would do something.
  
  For example: “I would get my oil changed,” or “I would put the screw in that way.” No two people will ever do the same task in the same exact way at the same exact time. That applies to spouses as well. So just let him do things his way…who knows maybe you overlooked something he didn’t; making him the better person for the job.
  
  8. Criticize him.
  
  It won’t help him or effectively change the behavior you disapprove of.
  
  He will feel deflated and embarrassed, especially if it is in public. Next time you are out with another couple and you notice a wife critisizing her husband, just look at his face after she makes her comment. I can assure you it won't be a happy one.
  
  9. Make demands.
  
  You are not his servant, and he is not yours. Treat each other with respect by nicely asking for what you want. Say, “Do you mind taking out the trash today please?” Instead of, “Take out the trash.”
  
  10. Undo or redo something he has done.
  
  How many of us have reloaded the dishwasher after our husbands have done it. It will make him feel like he never wants to do it again because your basically saying, “The way you did it wasn’t good enough.” At least wait until he isn’t in the room to see you do it!
  
  Try this: Go on a “no control date” with your husband.
  
  This means that he must make all the decisions. To set this up, request from him (don’t demand) that as part of making yourself a better wife you have to learn about trust and that you would like him to help you do that by taking you out for an evening on a date.
  
  On this date he will literally be in charge of EVERYTHING. He must decide where to go, when to go, what activities it will involve, driving you there, paying, etc. Tell him that you do not need to know the plans in advance and that he should just surprise you.
  
  Your job is to just let things happen, relax, and practice trusting that he will take care of everything. I mean everything ladies, that means no telling him when, where, or how.
  
  Take note of how you felt after, did you start controlling at any point? How did he respond when you asked him to do this? Was it hard not to control anything?
  
  Leave me your comments! Would love to hear about your experiences.
  
  ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/09/03/19-lessons-from-laura-part-3#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
  When was the last time you got a compliment from someone? Did it go a little something like this:
  
  “You look really nice today.”
  “Really, I hardly got any sleep and I feel lousy.”
  
  Laura, however, teaches us to [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/08/20/18-lessons-from-laura-part-2 Sat, 20 Aug 2011 15:16:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/08/20/18-lessons-from-laura-part-2
  When was the last time you got a compliment from someone? Did it go a little something like this:
  
  “You look really nice today.”
  “Really, I hardly got any sleep and I feel lousy.”
  
  Laura, however, teaches us to stop deflecting compliments or gifts; whether it is from our spouses or others.
  
  Here are five reasons why we don’t always receive graciously:
  1. We might feel like we will owe a debt to that person.
  2. To appear modest.
  3. We don’t want to feel vulnerable.
  4. We have an agenda that interferes.
  For example if your husband says, “I want to take you out to dinner tonight,”
  and you say “But are you sure we can afford it this week.”
  5. Threatens our independence.
  For example if your spouse offers to take the heavy grocery bags from you.
  
  She says that in healthy relationships, there should be no scorecard when it comes to giving and receiving. Gifts should be free!
  
  “Just smile and say thank you,” Laura suggests.
  
  Otherwise a man will never feel like he knows what to give to make you happy. Without the ability to please the other person there can be no intimacy. And you cannot have intimacy without being vulnerable. We should strive to be vulnerable for these three reasons:
  1. Acknowledgment that we are human.
  2. To have connectivity.
  3. Building intimacy.
  
  So the next time you are receiving a compliment or a gift, look the other person in their eyes, do your best to let it all in, then respond by saying, “Thank you.” DO NOT say anything to discount the compliment! If you feel like you need to have duct tape around to put on your mouth then do so!
  
  When your husband is giving, do your best to always notice and thank him, even if it is something you think he should be doing anyway. You can even add in a hug or a kiss with the “thank you” as a cherry on top!
  
  Try this: Get a piece of paper and jot down everything about your husband that you are thankful for; it will help you get some perspective as to how much he should be thanked. Even if it’s the big stuff that you may overlook like how he works everyday to support your family.
  
  Thank him at least 3 times a day everyday for the biggest things he does to the smallest.
  
  And in the next couple days do your best to receive as much as you can. And when someone gives, just remember to smile and say thank you.
  
  ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/08/20/18-lessons-from-laura-part-2#comments 5 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org In June 2011, Wise Wives Orange County was lucky to offer Laura Doyle’s 4-week Surrendered Wife Seminar to anyone in the community who wanted to participate in this privately taught course.
  
  With [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/08/16/17-lessons-from-laura-part-1 Tue, 16 Aug 2011 11:47:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/08/16/17-lessons-from-laura-part-1 In June 2011, Wise Wives Orange County was lucky to offer Laura Doyle’s 4-week Surrendered Wife Seminar to anyone in the community who wanted to participate in this privately taught course.
  
  With Laura’s permission, I am releasing a series of blogs that will outline all the great information we received throughout those four weeks.
  
  The tips taught at this seminar
  will help you obtain a practical way to finding intimacy, passion and peace with your man and the habits that foster those rewards.
  
  Many will take this seminar because they want to either improve an already good marriage, fix a failing marriage, repair specific issues bothering either spouse, etc. Whatever the reason is, rest assured that these tips WILL help you gain the marriage you dream about.
  
  Let’s start at the very beginning.
  
  The first thing Laura taught us was what a surrendered wife actually is. Simple.
  
  A surrendered wife is one that realizes that she cannot control anyone but herself!
  
  However, there are three situations where Laura says you should NOT surrender. They are:
  
  • If your husband is not capable of being faithful.
  • If your husband is abusive.
  • If your husband has an addiction to drugs, alcohol or gambling.
  
  Going on, we went over 10 gifts a wife will obtain from surrendering. You will receive:
  
  • A new husband and greater intimacy in your marriage.
  • An atmosphere of peace and harmony with reduced conflict.
  • More time to spend on yourself.
  • More dignity and self worth.
  • More material gifts.
  • More pride in your husband.
  • A chance to fulfill your life’s purpose (Work, kids, etc).
  • Stress relief; your husband will take more responsibility for himself.
  • Greater spiritual intimacy; appreciation of how things should be between husband and wife.
  • Your friendships become more satisfying, you complain less and give/get more advice.
  
  If these gifts sound good to you then read on.
  
  Here are the six principles of surrendering:
  1. Gratitude
  2. Receiving
  3. Vulnerability
  4. Relinquishing control
  5. Respecting
  6. Self Care
  
  In the coming entries, we will delve into each one of these to learn about how to become a surrendered wife in order to receive all the great gifts listed above.
  
  Please leave your comments as to what you would like specific focus on, what you enjoyed learning, tips of your own, elaboration for other wives, etc. Look forward to hearing your feedback!
  
  
  ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/08/16/17-lessons-from-laura-part-1#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Hosai Mojaddidi went on in her lecture to explain what “high testosterone people,” or a “male brain” prefers. Check out this list:
  
  • Things
  • Facts, reason, and logic
  • Power / rank / status
  • Competing / achieving
  • Winning
  • Teams
  • Analyzing / figuring out [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/07/18/16-adam-hawa-insights-on-gender-differences-part-3 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:04:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/07/18/16-adam-hawa-insights-on-gender-differences-part-3 Hosai Mojaddidi went on in her lecture to explain what “high testosterone people,” or a “male brain” prefers. Check out this list:
    
    • Things
    • Facts, reason, and logic
    • Power / rank / status
    • Competing / achieving
    • Winning
    • Teams
    • Analyzing / figuring out
    • Assertion / aggression
    • Reports / information
    • Intellectual understanding
    • Companionship / doing
    • Teaching / leading
    • Being focused/ specific / "logical"
    • Order / rules / structure
    • Thinking
    • How things work
    
    On the other hand, “low-testosterone people,” or a “female brain,” prefers:
    
    • People
    • Feelings, senses, and meaning
    • Relationships
    • Harmony / relating
    • Sharing
    • Groups
    • Intuiting / "knowing"
    • Co-operation, mutuality
    • Rapports / bonding
    • Empathizing
    • Love / intimacy
    • Closeness / being
    • Nurturing / growing
    • Being "wide-angle" / organic / holistic
    • Organic, fluid patterns
    • Feeling / experiencing
    • Personal and social impacts
    
    So, obviously men and women are very different. The think differently, therefore their roles in life are different. What do you think the gender roles are in Islam?
    
    Role of Men:
    
    • Worship Allah
    • Provide for the family
    • Lead the family
    • Social/Political Leadership
    
    Role of Women:
    
    • Worship Allah
    • Preserve household balance
    • Nurture the family
    • Social Integration
    
    Who was Adam? Why Was he created?
    —"And when your Lord said to the angels: I am about to appoint a vicegerent in the earth. They said: Will you place therein such as will cause disorder in it or shed blood? We celebrate your praise and extol your holy names. He answered: I know what you know not." (Quran 2:30)
    
    Who was Hawa? Why was she created?
    —Adam opened his eyes and looked into the beautiful face of a woman gazing down at him. Adam was surprised and asked the woman why she had been created. She revealed that she was to ease his loneliness and bring tranquility to him.
    
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/07/18/16-adam-hawa-insights-on-gender-differences-part-3#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Hosai Mojaddidi goes on in her study to talk about how men and women live in two different worlds when it comes to communication.
    
    She says that most of the couples that she has spoken to have a major breakdown in communication long [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/07/05/15-communication-insights-on-gender-differences-part-2 Tue, 05 Jul 2011 22:47:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/07/05/15-communication-insights-on-gender-differences-part-2 Hosai Mojaddidi goes on in her study to talk about how men and women live in two different worlds when it comes to communication.
    
    She says that most of the couples that she has spoken to have a major breakdown in communication long before other more serious problems present themselves such as:
    
    
    • Trust
    • Verbal abuse
    • Emotional abuse
    • Sexual/Intimacy issues
    • Financial issues, etc.
    
    "When talking about a problem," she says "women want empathy and understanding but men offer solutions."
    
    Therefore a woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. While a man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
    
    Women are relationship oriented while men are goal oriented.
    
    Here are some mistakes women and men make in conversations:
    
    
    • A woman follows her natural tendency to offer unsolicited advice, but the man sees it as questioning his competence and ability.
    • A man follows his natural tendency to offer solutions, but the woman sees it as invalidating her feelings.
    • Women cope with stress by reaching out and talking while men cope with stress by withdrawing.
    • Women want to feel cherished; men want to feel needed.
    • Women want respect and devotion; men want appreciation and admiration.
    
    Here are some other differences she has outlined:
    
    
    • Men live in a world of status; women live in a world of connections.
    • Men see conversations as negotiations for power; women see them as negotiations for closeness.
    • Men want to preserve independence; women want to preserve intimacy.
    • Men seek to win and avoid failure; women seek closeness and avoid isolation.
    • Men avoid taking orders (since that means low status and loss of independence); women are ok with taking orders (if it is perceived as forming a connection).
    • Men seek control; women seek understanding.
    • Men prefer inequality and asymmetry; women prefer equality and symmetry.
    • Men are adversarial (with conflicting goals); women are synergetic (with common goals).
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/07/05/15-communication-insights-on-gender-differences-part-2#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Mental Health 4 Muslims. Hosai has worked to gauge the mental health issues of the larger Muslim community [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/06/27/14-the-male-brain-insights-on-gender-differences-part-1 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 13:49:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/06/27/14-the-male-brain-insights-on-gender-differences-part-1 Mental Health 4 Muslims. Hosai has worked to gauge the mental health issues of the larger Muslim community firsthand by serving as a private mediator, advisor and mentor to many.
    
    She says that examining gender differences helps us to be more tolerant and forgiving when our spouses don't respond the way we think they should.
    
    With new insights on this topic you have the added wisdom and power to change your approach rather than seek to change your spouse. Here are 5 other reasons studying this topic is so important:
    
    1. We too easily blame our problems on our partners rather than our own approach.
    2. Men often complain: she is over-reacting!
    3. Women often complain: he doesn’t listen!
    4. When we correctly interpret a situation, it is never as bad as we thought.
    5. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us, they will react and behave in certain ways, the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
    
    In part 1, I want to examine the very good points she lectures about concerning the male brain. Check out these questions and answers:
    
    1. Why do men keep their cars spotless but are messy at home?
    They view cars (or objects) as an extension of themselves because they’re not in tune with their bodies, whereas women tie their self-image to their bodies.
    
    2. Why do men forget birthdays/anniversaries but remember sports stats?
    Dr. Herb Goldberg suggests that men forget important dates like birthdays and anniversaries because they are wired to focus on the external threats and pressures of the world outside of their "safe" relationships.
    
    3. Why do men enjoy violent sports/films when women prefer the arts or chick-flicks?
    Testosterone increases aggression; men identify with traditional ideals of masculinity like domination, risk taking, and competition, etc.
    
    4. Why are men unable to multi-task the same way women do?
    Biological anthropologist and Rutgers University professor Helen Fisher, Ph.D., notes: "The two brain hemispheres are less well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be very goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings and things at once."
    
    5. How do men and women handle stress differently?
    Last year researchers at the University of Pennsylvania used scans to try to understand how men and women handle stress. Among the findings were: Anxiety activates the "tend and befriend" reaction in women's limbic systems and the "fight or flight" response in men's prefrontal cortexes. Translation: Under pressure, women reach out, while guys go Rambo (or withdraw).
    
    Stay tuned for part 2, where we will discuss her findings on how men and women communicate differently.
    
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/06/27/14-the-male-brain-insights-on-gender-differences-part-1#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org "Winning the Heart of your Husband" By Ibraahim ibn Saaleh al-Mahmud.
    
    Important Questions and Answers:
    
    Q: Who is the most beautiful woman?
    A: Beauty is that of the soul, education and moral values. Every woman has a share of beauty, and she should [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/05/23/13-important-q-as Mon, 23 May 2011 16:51:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/05/23/13-important-q-as "Winning the Heart of your Husband" By Ibraahim ibn Saaleh al-Mahmud.
    
    Important Questions and Answers:
    
    Q: Who is the most beautiful woman?
    A: Beauty is that of the soul, education and moral values. Every woman has a share of beauty, and she should look after it and preserve it. But although the beauty of the body and the face may have a quick effect, it can never reach the level of a spiritual beauty in its splendid, radiance and lasting.
    
    Q: Who is the happiest woman?
    A: The happiest woman is she who shows love for human beings. This love has illuminated her soul with beauty, affection and eternal spring, and love and obedience for her Lord.
    
    Q: Who is the most miserable woman?
    A: The most miserable woman is the one who abandons her femininity and thinks that freedom is the shortest way to a man's heart, whereas this absolute freedom distorts her image and shakes her position in his heart. The miserable woman is the one who spends money lavishly, worships foreign fashion and loses herself to fame and ostentatiousness.
    
    Q: If a wife loves her husband and then finds out in him some aspects of his character, which do not conform to her temperament and aim in life, what can she do?
    A: In this situation, this woman should show her skills in dealing with the problem patiently, especially if she secures his trust and love. Love generates love and it is the best way to solve any problem. A scholar once said: "Love can restrain untamable souls and can also destroy the foundation. So, it is up to us to know how to use and how to understand love." With her beautiful smile showing on her face, a woman can win the heart of her husband and bring happiness to his life. It has a huge effect on him and can achieve much. A happy marriage is not only the husband's but also the wife's responsibility. Many women have managed to reform their husbands by wisdom and love.
    
    Q: What are the symbol and attributes of a believing woman?
    A: For a believing woman Islam is her way of life and the Qur'an is her Light. She fears Allah and abstains from the desires and attractions of the world. She knows that Allah has created her to give birth to leaders of the world.
    
    Q: How can a wife make her husband happy?
    A: The wife has an important role to play to make her husband happy and protect him from temptations and the lure of the outside world. She has a challenge to overcome. A clever woman is one who can make her husband look only at her and adjust everything to her own benefit. A successful woman is one who knows what her husband likes and attracts him...
    
    Therefore, we should not be surprised to see a man neglecting his beautiful wife and looking at other women, whereas some less beautiful women manage to win their husbands' hearts and affections. A wife is responsible for her marital happiness or misery.
    
    We advice women to look after their appearance and beauty at home. They should not greet their husbands with constant complaints. They should prepare a comfortable home for them by reducing the children's noise, smelling sweet and surprising them with nice food, which they like. In short, a wife should make the house a heaven for her husband.
    
    This is just one short part of this booklet full of great advice.
    Click here to download the full thing in pdf.
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/05/23/13-important-q-as#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Idealmuslimah.com:
    
    Islaam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights, responsibilities and characters of [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/04/27/12-intimate-behavior Wed, 27 Apr 2011 15:00:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/04/27/12-intimate-behavior Idealmuslimah.com:
    
    Islaam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights, responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build their relationship on mutual love, respect, and mercy. The following are the most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage.
    
    1. Faith: Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islaam is a way of life, it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. Couples with strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in developing a loving relationship.
    
    Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by performing the Prayer, reading Qur’aan, and seeking Islamic knowledge together, become closer. They love and please Allaah through loving and pleasing each other. The commitments couples make to Allaah are excellent facilitators for enhancing their family's spiritual development as well as their commitment to Allaah and His Religion.
    
    2. Forgiving: When the Prophet (may Allaah exalt his mention) said to his Companions (may Allaah be pleased with them), "Do you wish that Allaah should forgive you?" They said, 'Of course, O Prophet of Allaah!' He (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) responded, 'Then forgive each other.'
    
    One of the main components of a happy marriage is forgiveness. It is a challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the other. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive.
    
    3. Friendship: A relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of our differences.
    
    4. Feelings: Couples must be very careful not to hurt the feelings of each other and if they inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we still have time?
    
    5. Openness: Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind honestly with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
    
    6. Flattering: Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse’s heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually depriving one of being appreciated in return.
    
    7. Unconditional giving: The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
    
    8. Fallibility: When couples start to demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allaah (the Glorious and Lofty) is Perfect.
    
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/04/27/12-intimate-behavior#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
    "Blissful marriage does not automatically come because you and your partner love each other. Whilst love is extremely essential in to a blissful marriage, at times love is not just sufficient and you may require to polish your relationship just like most other relationships. [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/04/17/11-when-love-isnt-enough Sun, 17 Apr 2011 14:48:53 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/04/17/11-when-love-isnt-enough
    "Blissful marriage does not automatically come because you and your partner love each other. Whilst love is extremely essential in to a blissful marriage, at times love is not just sufficient and you may require to polish your relationship just like most other relationships. Transparency in marriage and proper consideration of your partner's feelings are two emotional features that are the answers to a blissful marriage.
    
    Even more routine stuff like domestic cores and fiscal understanding could factor in to the marriage state. It is very important to recognize that a marriage is a many-sided relationship that requires to be fostered in all of its ability for it to be successful.
    
    1. The willingness to take sacrifices in marriage is a single secret to a blissful marriage. The married partners must be ready to put their spouse happiness ahead of theirs occasionally for the marriage to really work. If both partners are wholly self-seeking and never willing to make sacrifices, then this it will generate bitterness in that marriage. Sometimes the sacrifices might be immense but most regularly it is the little things stuff matter most. Even cooking a meal that you dislike but that you know your partner fancy's will let your partner know that you care about them and are willing to go a mile to please them oftentimes.
    
    2. Whilst making sacrifices is significant in a blissful relationship, it is also imperative to occasionally do stuff that are just meant for yourself. It is good to have lots of similar likes but it is also imperative to have some stuff that you like doing individually. Having separate hobbies is good because it provides you the opportunity to be away from your spouse one time in awhile and gives you an opportunity to appreciate how great you miss your partner when the two of you are apart. It also affords you the opportunity to discover stuff on your own and prevents monotony from building up in the relationship.
    
    3. The other secret to a blissful marriage is to uphold a warm and loving relationship with your partner. Having physical bond with you partner will help you maintain blissful marriage. Don't be surprised that little gestures like hugs and holding hands present to you the chance to re-connect with your partner everyday.
    
    4. Money can be a great source of stress in a marriage so it is wise to try your best and make sure that you don't allow your monetary situation to devastate your cherished marriage. When monetary distress come up in your relationship, it is imperative that you discuss the issue with your partner so that you are both aware of what is taking place and work on creating a budget together. Collaborating on this issues will make it certain that non of the party feels excluded from the decision and policy making process, it will also make sure that and non of the party puts up with the strain of worrying about money issues in private.
    
    5. Equal sharing of domestic chores is another good secret to a blissful marriage. If one partner feels as if they are the ones that are carrying the big chunk of responsibility in the domestic chores, this can lead to bitterness. Sharing of domestic chores not only prevents bitterness but it also provides the couple a good chance to work as a team, this works well towards strengthening their bond. Both partners must take a active role in doing domestic chores and let their spouse know if they are starting to feel overwhelmed.
    
    6. Transparent and candid communication is also obligatory for a blissful marriage. Without open communication in marriage the relationship will most likely be struggle. It is significant therefore to be sincere and straightforward with your spouse and share your worries and concerns and pay attention to what your spouse wants to say and also make a big effort to appreciate their viewpoint. Open communication about marital problems and anxieties is imperative but it is also significant to communicate about your ambitions and even your everyday lives. Most of these kinds of communication between partners bring them much close together and promote a blissful marriage.
    
    
    7. Still on open communication, it is also imperative that you let your spouse know when they say or do something to hurts you. Your failure to do so will let the dilemma to persist and further aggravate problem in your marriage. If you suppress your emotions then your spouse will be oblivious of what they had done to upset you and are most likely to repeat the same things once again. You could also start to shun your spouse for the reason that you are annoyed and you do not want to initiate an argument. Your spouse may in turn interpret your strange behavior in a different way and be angry by your behavior. Just coming out and informing your spouse the reasons as to why you are displeased can greatly let you escape this preventable host of troubles.
    
    8. Realizing that your partner and you are at all times in total agreement is also significant to a blissful marriage. Whereas you might concur on plenty of things it is impractical to believe that you and your spouse are going to be in sync all the time. It's fine to differ occasionally as much as you value each other's beliefs and feelings and don't think that any one difference will be the end of your marriage.
    
    9. Impulsiveness is also an essential part of a blissful marriage. Letting yourselves to descend in to a routine pattern could lead to monotony but being a spur-of-the-moment at times will put off dullness from creeping in and help maintain the marriage in an interesting lane.
    
    10. Lastly, keep in mind the reasons as to why you are married to your spouse; remember that it is one of the most significant secrets to a blissful marriage. Always appreciating the uniqueness in your partner that attracted you to your partner will always remind you to never forget your love for your spouse. It will also make sure that they are always lovely before your eyes. Many things could change all through your marriage, but the one stuff that will never change is the reason why you fell in love initially.
    
    A blissful marriage is never assured no-matter the intensity of love that exists between the partners. There are plenty of unpredictables that can greatly impact your the happiness and accomplishment of your marriage. It is significant that both parties' appreciate that they must always work on every of the above features if they ever expect to have a happy and successful marriage to stay behind a contented and strong relationship.
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/04/17/11-when-love-isnt-enough#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
    Islam teaches us to honor and respect our husbands. But how should we know that if we are never taught it from the beginning, from before we get married?
    
    Check out this eloquent piece [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/28/10-a-mothers-advice Mon, 28 Mar 2011 21:19:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/28/10-a-mothers-advice
    Islam teaches us to honor and respect our husbands. But how should we know that if we are never taught it from the beginning, from before we get married?
    
    Check out this eloquent piece of advice given by a mother to her daughter before her marriage. It was saved in text form and passed down from generation to generation.
    
    According the book "The Ideal Muslimah" one of the most famous and most beautiful of these texts was recorded by ‘Abd al-Malik ibn ‘Umayr al-Qurashi, who was one of the outstanding scholars of the second century AH. He quotes the words of advice given by Umamah bint al-Harith, one of the most learned women, who was possessed of wisdom and great maturity, to her daughter on the eve of her marriage:
    
    
    • "O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
    
    
    • O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.
    
    
    • O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.
    
    
    Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you:
    
    
    • The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.
    
    
    • The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.
    
    
    • The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.
    
    
    • The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
    
    
    • The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.
    
    
    • Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment, whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
    
    
    • Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.
    
    
    • Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) choose what is best for you and protect you."
    
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/28/10-a-mothers-advice#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Found these great tips on Nikah.com, the No.1 Muslim Matrimonial Service Provider. It is an 11 Point Plan for Marital Bliss:
    
    The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be are ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/21/9-eleven-point-plan Mon, 21 Mar 2011 15:10:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/21/9-eleven-point-plan Found these great tips on Nikah.com, the No.1 Muslim Matrimonial Service Provider. It is an 11 Point Plan for Marital Bliss:
    
    The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be are ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring.
    
    Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience.
    
    The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
    
    1. Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often
    
    Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.
    
    2. Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam
    
    Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.
    
    3. Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
    
    Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.
    
    4. Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
    
    Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)
    
    5. Be Your Mate's Best Friend
    
    Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.
    
    6. Spend Quality Time Together
    
    It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
    
    7. Express Feelings Often
    
    This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.
    
    8. Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness
    
    Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.
    
    9. Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past
    
    It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
    
    10. Surprise Each Other at Times
    
    This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.
    
    11. Have a Sense of Humour
    
    This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.
    
    Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
    
    - Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.
    
    - Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
    
    - Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
    
    - Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
    
    - Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
    
    - If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/21/9-eleven-point-plan#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/07/8-empowering-excerpts Mon, 07 Mar 2011 19:58:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/03/07/8-empowering-excerpts
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
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    Read this article from The Dabbling Mum http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/02/17/7-i-surrender Thu, 17 Feb 2011 17:28:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/02/17/7-i-surrender
    Read this article from The Dabbling Mum by author Laura Doyle about her book "The Surrendered Wife."
    
    "Once while my husband, John, was waiting his turn at the barbershop, a woman was telling the barber exactly how to cut her husband's hair. "Not too short on top," she told him, "And take a little more off the sides." 


    
    When the couple left, the remaining men in the shop sighed with relief. "That was awful," one man commented to no one in particular. John agreed, then said to the barber, "My wife couldn't come today, so you're on your own." 


    
    I'm embarrassed to admit that during the first few years of my marriage I was very much like that woman at the barbershop. I thought I could improve my husband by telling him how to be more ambitious at work, how to be more romantic and especially how to be tidier. But instead of improving anything, I created wall-to-wall hostility at home. My husband resisted my "suggestions" mightily because he didn't want to be controlled. At the time, I didn't realize that I was acting like his mother instead of his wife, killing the intimacy and making us both exhausted. I thought he was lazy and oblivious. I never dreamed that he was reacting to me poorly because my approach was offensive. I told myself I was just trying to help, but things kept getting worse. 


    
    As things deteriorated, we went to couples' counseling and even considered divorce. I thought I had married the wrong man. It turns out I was using an approach that wouldn't inspire intimacy and cooperation from any man. After talking to wives with happy, long-term marriages, I tried a new approach. I called it surrendering, because it boiled down to relinquishing control of my husband in favor of tending to my own happiness. That, in turn, improved the intimacy in a way that seemed magical. 


    
    Something else magical happened, too. The man who wooed me was back. Instead of gluing himself to the T.V., my husband was constantly doing things to delight me-like cleaning the kitchen while I was out with a friend, bringing me flowers for no particular reason and showering me with spontaneous hugs and kisses. If I said I needed help getting dinner ready or wanted to park the car in the garage, he was proactive in chopping vegetables and eliminating things we no longer needed in the garage. He was volunteering to do the things that I had long tried to nag him into doing. Amazing! 


    
    Women often shudder at the title of my book, The Surrendered Wife. But when they read it, they see that it isn't the ghost of a marriage book from the fifties. Nor is it the symbol of a feminism backlash. It isn't about women dumbing down or being rigid either. 

Rather, my book is about recognizing the following:
    
    
    • When you control your husband, you demean him, which causes him to doubt himself.
    • When you nag and criticize your husband, you squash intimacy in your marriage.
    • If you want emotional connection with your man, you must give up trying to run his life.
    • Your husband wants to make you happy, but he can't if you tell him what to do and how to do it.
    
    My journey of going from being an overbearing shrew to a respectful wife has taught me that control and intimacy cannot co-exist. When I try to control John I may get to have everything just the way that I want it, but I also end up feeling lonely. When I adopt an attitude of loving trust - whether I feel like it or not - intimacy is sure to follow. In this way, surrendering is about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of us.
    
    I know the title may conjure images of the Stepford Wife rising from the grave avenge the modern woman, but surrender simply means relinquish, and my book is about giving up control of your husband so that you can create an environment in which intimacy will flourish. Not so chilling after all, is it?
    
    What I mean by "surrender" is that I refrain from commenting on things great and small: I don't mumble about John's driving, even if he's crawling along in the stupid lane. I don't complain if he wears a shirt with holes in it, nor do I remind him that we have a mortgage if he's considering leaving his job to start his own company. When I allow him to make his own decisions - and respect them- he has more confidence, and that, I've discovered, is when we have the best emotional connection.
    
    Surrendering doesn't mean that I have stopped thinking for myself or given up my own ambitions. At work, I'm aggressive, tough and bossy. But I also recognize that those are not the ingredients for intimacy.
    
    For romance to return in my marriage, I had to reacquaint myself with being vulnerable, feminine and soft when work was over. This wasn't easy. I'm much more comfortable with control because then I know that everything will go the right way—my way. But when I stopped criticizing, dominating and trying to "help" my husband, I had a revelation: I didn't need to dictate every situation for it to turn out right. Better yet, I experienced the delicious feeling of true intimacy.
    
    If you're like me, you don't really want so much control anyway. I was exhausted and lonely from trying to do everything myself. I didn't want my husband to treat me like his boss. I wanted him to treasure, adore and protect me.
    
    Surrendering is not for everybody. Women whose husbands have an active addiction, are chronically unfaithful or physically abusive should not surrender. Women with passionate, peaceful marriages don't need to fix what isn't broken.
    
    For a woman whose husband doesn't fall into these categories, but suspects she may be at least a little controlling, surrendering—acting with loving trust—is powerful medicine."
    
    
    Laura Doyle is a speaker, lecturer, seminar leader and author of this book as well as "The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right for You" (Simon & Schuster 2002), and "Things Will Get as Good as you Can Stand" (Simon & Schuster 2004). She has helped "thousands of women find the intimacy they crave."
    
    Visit her book's website www.SurrenderedWife.com and her radio show website at www.LauraDoyleShow.com. You can contact her at lauramdoyle@gmail.com
    
    
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/02/17/7-i-surrender#comments 2 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org
    It's a nice idea. But what I don't understand is why this culture has to designate a certain day out the year to sort of "force" people to do actions that show [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/02/11/6-love-bank Fri, 11 Feb 2011 14:51:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/02/11/6-love-bank
    It's a nice idea. But what I don't understand is why this culture has to designate a certain day out the year to sort of "force" people to do actions that show their love for their loved ones (sorry, the word love might come up numerous times in this post).
    
    Everyday in the lives of couples should be a day to show your love for one another.
    
    Amr Khaled expresses this idea in his 21st lecture in his series Al Ganah Fe Boyotna (Paradise in our Household).
    
    He says, "Love is not just an inner feeling within people's hearts...Love is doing actions, to get up and move and show your love towards each other…” just like you would on Valentine's Day.
    
    He goes on to say that if love in a marriage fails then the whole household will fall. So he focuses this lecture on bringing love back into a relationship and why it goes away in the first place.
    
    He describes five steps that can lead to the downfall of love in a relationship between a husband and wife.
    
    1 - You start to talk to each other less and less. Before you know it he’ll be at the office for 12 hours without even picking up the phone to check in.
    
    2 - The husband looks for things to do after work so he doesn't have to come home.
    
    3 - Each spouse starts to only see the bad in the other person. “Don’t let the devil get in your head and do this,” he says. “He is an expert at this.” Everyone has faults from the beginning, but at this level you can only see the bad.
    
    4 - No intimacy.
    
    5 - Looking for love outside of the house. Another act of the devil, he says. He makes you think that what you don't have is better than what you already have in your hands.
    
    Can love live long? Can love live for 30, 40 years? “I swear to God it can,” he says. He swears that it can because God said it can.
    
    God states in the Quran, "Wa jaal baynakom mawadatan wa rahma." God puts intimate fellowship and mercy into the hearts of every two people that get married.
    
    Examples of love in the households of the Sahaba (companions of the Prophet (pbuh)):
    
    -- After Khadijah died, the Prophet (pbuh) got approached by a woman who said to him, “You have kids that need looking after, you should get married again.” Because of the strong feelings he had towards his late wife, after she said that he put his head down and cried and said, “Who can replace Khadijah.”
    
    -- Sayida Fatima’s (The Prophet’s (pbuh) daughter) husband described her as “My wife, my life, and my home… Our skin is intertwined together."
    
    -- While an old man was performing Hajj he missed his wife so much that he sent a telegram to his wife saying, “My soul misses your soul.” Nowadays we can send a text message and it’ll reach our spouses in one sec and we don’t, he says.
    
    So why does it go away? Anything that you don't feed/nurture will rust and die. Just like your body, your car or a plant.
    
    During the engagement period of your life and during early marriage you had a “bank account” full of love to take from. But as the years pass that bank account becomes emptier and emptier till there’s none left to withdraw from.
    
    So you have to continuously put love back into that bank account … with a kiss, a hug, a smile, a prayer together, or a nice word. “Love is actions, he repeats, not just an inner feeling. Do things to make your love grow.”
    
    Do actions and get love!
    
    The best thing to give your kids is to show them that you love your spouse, he adds.
    
    He says, "Take your spouse’s hand...Don’t be stingy with your affection...A nice word and a smile can go a long way...Men, don't let her beg you to tell her that the dress she's wearing is nice. Tell her without her asking."
    
    A man once told the Prophet (pbuh) that he admired a certain man passing by in front of them, the Prophet (pbuh) asked him, "Have you told him this?" He said no. So he told him to run to him and tell him immediately.
    
    Get your affection out! Don't keep it in, he says.
    
    At the end of the lecture he said, “I want every spouse to intend to show their love for each other and do actions to fill the love bank.”
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/02/11/6-love-bank#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org Just came across this book and wanted to share some of its insights. [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/31/5-youre-the-man Mon, 31 Jan 2011 15:56:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/31/5-youre-the-man Just came across this book and wanted to share some of its insights.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/31/5-youre-the-man#comments 1 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/20/4-side-by-side-worship Thu, 20 Jan 2011 15:07:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/20/4-side-by-side-worship
    His words, television speeches, and Ramadan lecture series are widely watched by people all over the world. His teachings range in all Islamic topics such as politics, manners, Islamic history, changes in society, marriage, family life, etc.
    
    One of his most famed Ramadan lecture series was called "Al Ganah Fe Boyotna" (Paradise in our Household). In this series he talked about how to bring closeness, religiosity, happiness, and understanding back into our households between all members of a family.
    
    In the first episode he says, translated from Arabic, "A lot of people feel that life has become unhappy and unbearable...what kind of world is this? It's all wars, problems, and pain...but God gave us something merciful, he gave us our homes...it has all the happiness you need. It has comfort and safety. Your home should be the one place of happiness in this world until you die and enter heaven."
    
    "God gave you paradise in this world by giving you a home and family and he gave you paradise in the afterlife by giving you heaven," he said.
    
    This series has 30 episodes, but the one I want to talk about today is the very first one. In this episode Amr Khaled outlines five daily guidelines that each family, whether you are still newlyweds with just a husband and wife, or if you have children, or live with extended family, should partake in for a healthier and happier home and ultimately a better life. These guidelines fall under one category: Decide to worship God together.
    
    
    1. Pray together.
    Praying together brings mercy and angels into the home and kicks out any evilness.
    
    Pray at least two Rak3as (one prayer) together each night. "Can you imagine a couple who prayed to God together each night waking up and fighting about a non-ironed shirt in the morning...I don't think so," he said jokingly. He says that just two Rak3as together can bring your hearts closer if you feel distanced from your spouse...it's truly magical.
    
    Incidentally he also says, "If you are a wise wife, and you want to keep your husband by your side, say to him ‘get up, lets pray together.’”
    
    2. Read the Quran together.
    Even if it is only one Ayah (sentence) each day. Or do a family Khitma (completion of the Quran) by splitting up the chapters between each person of the family in order to complete it in a specified amount of time. Or if you’re driving in the car together, you can also listen to it. Check out these tips from an article called “Your family and the Quran.”
    
    3. Do Zikr (remembrance of Allah) together.
    Say Tasabeeh (repeating words like Elhamdulillah - Thank God - repeatedly) together even for only a couple minutes, whether you’re in the car or sitting in your living room.
    
    The Prophet (pbuh) said, "A home that does Zikr is a lively one and a home that does not is a dead one." In turn, Amr Khaled says, "Your family will become lively."
    
    4. Say a Duaa (supplication to God) together.
    It doesn’t have to be elaborate or in complicated sentences. Just say what you wish for as a family, in any language, doesn't have to be in traditional Arabic. You can make your Duaa after a Gama3 (group) prayer or while sitting together before going to bed.
    
    5. Be charitable together.
    For example, in Ramadan feed a fasting Muslim or a family together.
    
    
    Amr Khaled says that this Dunya (world/earth) was started by a family, by a husband and a wife… Adam and Eve. Not a group of people, not a company, not a single person. Therefore it is the most important entity in this world.
    
    “A marriage is a Mithak Ghaleeth (binding covenant),” he says. Not just a contract. It is a bond stronger than that. That phrase is only used three times in the Quran, one of which is for marriage. This shows the importance of this union in the eyes of God.
    
    Bring your family together and watch this series, it is truly inspiring, and each episode is only 30 minutes. Getting your family together and watching this series is in itself an act of family worship!
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/20/4-side-by-side-worship#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/10/3-can-you-or-will-you Mon, 10 Jan 2011 22:20:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/10/3-can-you-or-will-you
    So instead of commanding your husband to do something, appeal to his intelligence.
    
    For example, author Nancy C. Anderson writes, "Instead of saying 'Clean up your camping stuff, this garage is a mess!' Try, 'I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?'"
    
    Keep in mind, men love to do things that are appreciated, and hate to do things that are demanded.
    
    Giving excessive instructions, criticizing him, and nagging till it gets done will make him feel more like a slave than a trusted and loved partner. So if you want him to clean the garage, ask once and ask politely, according to Anderson.
    
    Comedian Steve Harvey writes in his book Straight Talk no Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man, "I understand that many women don't quite care to embrace the idea that the burden of getting the union they want rests squarely on their shoulders, but it is what it is. You've been blessed with this tremendous skill set that we men do not possess, and it is those skills that you absolutely, unequivocally have to employ to get what you want. Change your approach, take back your power and hold your chin up while you're working on getting the love you deserve.
    You can be part Miss America part Miss Toll House but once you start nagging we're simply not interested. You know what's flashing in our minds, your transformation into a big evil monster. It doesn't matter how tiny or cute you are... You become a six feet tall 450 pound troll head with a Darth Vader voice."
    
    When you want something done by a man he suggests five things in his book: Adjust your tone, let your man get to what needs to be done in his on time, choose your battles, understand what's a priority for men, and whatever you do don't take over the tasks especially, with an attitude.
    
    "What would be most helpful in getting us to this mutual place of understanding is if you simply asked nicely and explained why you need something done not now, but right now," he writes.
    
    John Gray, author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus says that, "Men love to prove their worth through the things they do, but they generally wait to be asked, and take a long time to learn to offer their services unsolicited. Women should therefore control their expectations of men being able to anticipate their needs, ask for help without making it sound like a demand because they resent the need to do so, and appreciate the help they receive even though it needed to be requested first."
    
    He goes on to say that women should avoid requesting help from a man in a way that either doesn’t sound like a clear request, or carries implicit criticism that he should have already done it. Questions that begin with the words ‘Could you’ or ‘Can you’ are often interpreted by men as questioning their abilities, and they therefore respond more positively to the same questions if they begin instead with ‘Would you’ or ‘Will you’. The difference may seem small, but it can feel as different as the man saying ‘No I can’t’ or ‘No I won’t’ in response to the request.
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/10/3-can-you-or-will-you#comments 0 info@wisewives.org info@wisewives.org http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/04/2-equal-but-not-the-same Tue, 04 Jan 2011 22:32:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/04/2-equal-but-not-the-same
    Some of the most common glitches in marriages can come from the misunderstanding that men and women are the same.
    
    Some of the biggest differences outlined in this book include:
    
    -Deep inside every man is a knight in shining armour seeking a damsel in distress who will love him, and shower him with trust, respect, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement AND deep inside every woman is a damsel in distress seeking a knight in shining armour who will love her, and shower her with caring, understanding, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
    
    -Men love to have their abilities recognised and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored AND women love to have their feelings recognised and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored.
    
    -Men like to work on their own, and exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and singlehandedly AND women like to co-operate, and exercise their feelings through interactive communication with one another.
    
    -Men value solutions, and view unsolicited assistance as undermining their effort to solve problems alone AND women value assistance, and view unsolicited solutions as undermining their effort to proceed interactively.
    
    -Men desire that their solutions will be appreciated AND women desire that their assistance will be appreciated.
    
    -When men do communicate, they like to get to the point, and generally only want to listen if they feel the conversation has a point AND women enjoy talking for its own sake, and are happy to listen unconditionally.
    
    -A man's instinct is to look after himself, even if it means sacrificing others AND a woman's instinct is to look after others, even if it means sacrificing herself.
    
    -In a relationship, a man has to learn how to care for his partner rather than sacrificing her needs in favour of his own AND a woman has to learn how to be cared for by her partner rather than sacrificing her own needs in favour of his, so that the needs of both are met.
    
    -In a relationship, a man needs to feel that his attentions are needed AND a woman needs to feel that her needs are attended.
    
    -Men withdraw until they find a solution to a problem, they retreat into their cave AND women simply need their partner to listen to her, constantly reassure her of his love/commitment/monogamy or take a few chores off her back.
    
    -Men feel loved if their efforts at giving are appreciated AND women feel loved according to what they receive.
    
    In her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura Schlessinger says that today the notion that men and women are inherently different is often challenged. Society tries to make both men and women unisex. But men are happiest being men, and women are happiest being women, with few exceptions. The differences start to manifest themselves very early. In one study a barrier was placed between 1 year-old babies and their mothers. What did the little boys do? They attempted to get around the barrier or knock it down. The little girls? They cried until their mothers picked them up. Men tend to respond to things physically, women verbally.
    
    In fact, the two sexes are just right for each other.
    
    ]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/04/2-equal-but-not-the-same#comments 0 Angie Angie
    Verbally speaking, she wants us to cut back on the complaining and add in compliments.
    
    "If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of [...]]]> http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/04/1-compliment-sandwich Tue, 04 Jan 2011 14:40:00 +0000 http://wisewives.org/blog/2011/01/04/1-compliment-sandwich
    Verbally speaking, she wants us to cut back on the complaining and add in compliments.
    
    "If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day. If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
    
    You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” Because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement.
    
    Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
    
    If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a 'Compliment Sandwich.' Here’s an example, 'Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?'" Anderson.
    
    A compliment sandwich. Doesn't sound too hard. See if restructuring your sentences when you are bringing up a difficult issue can bring out a different kind of response (..or man) from your spouse.
    
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